Friday Question #99
What is your opinion on therapy? Have you ever been to a therapist? If yes, did you find it helpful? If no, have you ever thought about going?
This question is inspired by Stef’s Wednesday post. Check out her post for the full context, but this part stuck with me:
It saddens me to know that many people still consider it to be cowardly to seek treatment for mental health problems. Like some of the other commenters said, mental health should be no different than physical health. If I had cancer, would people tell me to just use my willpower to fight off the disease? Would it be shameful or “cowardly” to get chemotherapy? Doubtful.
I instantly thought about one of Jillian Michaels’ podcasts – she was talking about how we have coaches for sports, and mentors at work, but there is still a stigma behind therapy, when really, it’s just a “life coach.” She said we should ALL have life coaches. I really love that comparison.
And that is how I think about therapy now – as coaching, or guidance. It’s someone you talk to, who is able to look at your situation from a different perspective. Sometimes you need this outside perspective, sometimes you can see it on your own. But either way, there is nothing wrong with seeking help. We all get in bad places from time to time, and are not always able to pull ourselves out on our own.
I have had 50/50 luck with my three therapy experiences. I had an awful therapist my sophomore year of college. I was dealing with the stress of just getting into the grueling architecture program, and she didn’t really listen to me, or give me any useful feedback. I quit seeing her.
During my junior year of college, I was still dealing with anxiety, and really connected with my second therapist (I believe making that connection with the therapist is so important – if you don’t feel it, it’s not going to work), and was making a lot of progress… but then we had a meeting with my parents and she told them something I specifically asked her NOT to. So, I didn’t trust her anymore (you can read more about that time in my life here – I discuss an anxiety drug she put me on).
My last therapy experience (last summer/fall) went really well, and I felt like she helped me see things in my life from a different perspective, and help me balance out my moods a bit more and NOT strive for perfection (I’m just a little bit Type A!*).
So, I do find therapy helpful, but it is kind of about what YOU bring to it. And since I tend to get there and just SPILL it all out, I think that has helped me.
Do you want to hear my thoughts on my last therapy experience? Click “continue reading” to read more…
Do I need a therapist, or a friend?
Before I read Stef’s post, for whatever reason, I had been thinking about the therapist I was seeing in the summer/fall of last year. At the last meeting I had with her, she told me to set up an appointment whenever I felt like I needed to talk to her… and I haven’t. For the last four months.
And it’s not that I wasn’t benefiting from our sessions – I was! She helped me tackle a lot of problems differently than I ever would have before. She helped me get through a huge funk.
However, the more I think about it, the more I feel like I was paying someone to be my friend. I got myself into that funk by shutting off from people. And during my therapy session, I would go there, with my list of things that were bugging me, let them all out, and feel better.
You don’t have to pay someone for that, right? You are supposed to have friends you can bitch to? You know, a friend you can just let it all out to, and they won’t judge you, then you can laugh about it? A friend who knows when you complain about someone, that you are just complaining because you need to complain? That it doesn’t mean anything about that person?
Yeah…
I see friends so infrequently, that when I DO complain about something, or even just talk about something negatively, I feel like I am not projecting who I am. I feel like I am appearing unhappy, when really, I just want to vent (in person**) to a friend I can trust!
So, my therapist ended up being my “friend” and the issue I really wanted to talk about – my emotional eating – was not discussed as much as I wanted. Not that I was hiding from it. I wanted to tell someone EVERYTHING. But, right before our first session, my life majorly shifted, and I ended up talking to her about those changes, when maybe, I could have talked to a friend.
*From wikipedia: Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with Type B personalities for the way that they’re always rushing. They are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as “stress junkies.” Type B individuals, in contrast, are described as patient, relaxed, and easy-going, generally lacking any sense of urgency. Because of these characteristics, Type B individuals are often described as apathetic and disengaged. There is also a Type AB mixed profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized.
**I do have a lot of email buddies that I trust and write to, but it is not the same!
Themocracy
hmmmmmm a very interesting subject. I’ve never been to a therapist but it’s not that I look down on that, it’s more like I just never got around to it. In fact, the last school course I took was an intro to counselling course and it’s made me looking at “helping” (as they call it) in a whole different way.
What did you learn from the course? That sounds interesting!
My husband and I went to a therapist before we got married, and I was really glad that we did. We weren’t getting married in a church, so we weren’t going to have the usual “counseling” sessions that go along with it, so we decided to do a little couple’s therapy to compensate. We loved it! It really helped us to work through a few issues and approach the big day feeling calm and confident in our relationship.
We skipped the church path too 😉
I hope you know that you can come over and vent to me ANYTIME! I always feel like I talk so much when we are together that you barely get to say anything. I do realize life isn’t all about me and I am really trying to be a good friend but somehow you are so easy to talk to that I just don’t stop and let you have a turn…sorry! I think it may be because I spend all day with kids. As much as I love them, you don’t get to have many meaningful converstaions.
Anyway, I have absolutely no problem with therapy. I totally agree with the fighting cancer with will power analogy. I think I have said something similar before. Why judge someone who wants help? I think the person to judge (if anyone) is the person who refuses to get some help and talk things out when they need to.
Thank you for saying I am easy to talk to 🙂 I may have to take you up on the offer to come vent! I am always surprised when people don’t seek help with they need it, but I really think it is kind of… hmm. I want to say “cultural” but that is not what I mean. Maybe ingrained? Some people just think it’s bad, or grew up with people who thought it was bad, so they don’t get help.
I’ve never been to a therapist even though I’ve struggled with a lot of issues. I consider my parents as my “therapists” because that works for me and might not be that well for others. We’re very close but they could look at the issues from a more distanced perspective. This really helped me. If they would have been too emptional and started freaking out or if we weren’t that close it wouldn’t have worked. I agree that it’s good to have someone from the “outside” to help you. It makes me mad when people think that seeking help from a therapist is something that only crazy people do.
I haven’t seen a therapist before but God knows I probably need to! All joking aside, I don’t think think there is anything wrong with someone talking to a professional. Who am I to judge? It probably isn’t for me but I am all for it!
My honest opinion on therapy, which is totally unrelated to the fact that I’ve been in therapy on and off (but mostly on) for over five years, is that everyone can use one. It’s different than talking with a friend, because you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to say having an adverse effect on your relationship. (That would say something about the friendship, actually, but that’s another story.)
In my community, seeing a therapist is a big deep dark secret. Nobody is supposed to know. That frustrates me to no end. Just because someone sees a therapist doesn’t mean that they’re a psychotic murderer!
<3 <3
It must be so frustrating to have to “hide” that you are getting help. And you bring up a good point – talking to a friend could really alter the relationship, if they were not a good, supportive friend. And I am not avocating “dumping” emotional drama on friends, but having someone to talk things out with.
I see your point about paying somebody to be a friend but, for me seeing a counselor at a rough time was very important for me. I was able to get a lot of issues out in a safe non judgmental space to a person who I had no history with.
I think that if you feel judged or you can’t find anyone that you want to talk to about certain issues, see someone. Mental health is just as valuable as your physical health.
When I was really, really upset about job/life/etc a few months ago, a couple people mentioned that maybe I needed to go “talk to someone” because they were worried about me. I wasn’t my usual (happy) self. Honestly? I really think I just needed a friend. At the time I didn’t have *any* friends where I live, and while my far away friends would gladly listen to me, it’s much different than sitting face to face with someone and talking about your troubles. Just the lack of human contact that comes with working 3-11pm is kind of depressing, and that’s coming from someone who is a bit of a loner! Anyway, I think there’s a huge stigma involved with going to see a therapist, and that’s part of the reason I didn’t want to go…*I* didn’t need help like that, I was fine! That being said…I wouldn’t think it was bad if someone else went to a therapist! Mental health issues are a bit abstract, but still real and you never know what will help the best.
I can relate – I feel like I haven’t made many new friends out in Chicago (not that I had many back home) and it is hard to feel so lonely. I hope you start to meet people! It takes time though, doesn’t it? I have some little starter friendships that I am working on… I hope they become deeper!
So therapy is okay for other people but not for you? 😛 Ha ha. Or are you saying you didn’t need therapy, you just needed a friend, like I did?
I quit seeing my therapist recently. He changed practices and locations and I was tired of giving up my Saturday mornings when he worked a mile from my house. Now that he’s like 30 minutes away? Yeah, it’s not that important. Plus, I felt like I wasn’t going for myself and that I wasn’t really getting anything useful out of it. I may try again or I may not. Like you, though, I think having close friends that I see on a regular basis would help. Maybe I should lobby for you guys to move to the near west ‘burbs 🙂
We would love it if we lived closer to you! 🙂
That was one thing I hated – giving up free time for it. Especially Saturday mornings, when I could be RUNNING! 😉
Therapy has saved my life more than once. I am all the better for it.
Very good post!
You know my opinion on therapy– I LOVE it and think everyone deserves to have it. I think of it like “Me time”. With that said, I am horrified of crying in therapy, which I inevitably do. (I actually hate crying in front of anyone and am a really ugly crier.)
Nice post Kim!
So, I had a couple thoughts when reading this post today. I think therapy means different things to different people. Just because you were able to spill things to your therapist for a time and then began to realize that you should be able to talk about those things with other people in your life (friends/husband/family) doesn’t mean you didn’t get anything out of therapy. In fact, I’d say going to therapy might have enlightened you regarding how you do project yourself to the world around you.
That said, friends, in particular, real friends should be there to hear the good and the bad. I know there’s a personal touch for you to be able to talk about things with someone face to face. But, don’t discount calling friends on the phone or evening using instant messenger online. Whatever works for your life. Your friends deserve to see the real you, when you’re up and when you’re down. No one’s life is perfect and I personally question people who project themselves as such. =)
BTW, for some reason, your blog likes to add a million slashes to my name. I don’t ever remember leaving my name like that, but every time I come back and it’s automatically filled in, it has anywhere from 1-10 slashes. So weird.
Ha. I don’t want anyone to think my life is perfect! It’s good, but definintely not perfect. I just don’t want to come off as a complainer… or moper! You know, I never call anyone to chat, except my mom. I just think it’s so awkward to talk to someone when you can’t read their reactions!
I have noticed all of the slashes. You probably need to clear the forms on your internet browser to make it go away.
looooooooooooove this question 🙂 and not just because i’m going back to school for mental health counseling. heheh.
1. i think it should be normal to have a therapist. seriously, everyone could use one. just to have somewhere “else” or “objective” to go to talk, for it to be about “you” … leaning too heavily on friends can get complicated and sometimes i’d rather use friends to spiral up positive energy rather than spiraling down in negative energy (altho i do think it is true you don’t know someone until you’ve been through/talked about serious or negative things, it’s just life)
2. mental health counseling should be more accessible, more affordable, easier to navigate, easier to “try out” therapists
3. i have been to counseling, only once successfully- in college. i had a great guy i talked to, mostly about basketball stuff and health/weight stuff (that stemmed from basketball stuff)– since then i have tried to find a successful relationship (read: tried 6 different people! no joke) and eventually let it go b/c it never felt right and i got sick of trying
🙂 great question!
I thought about you when i was writing this “I wonder what Lacey will have to say!”
It would be cool if it was worked into our healthcare system that everyone could have access to therapy. And I hear you on wanting to try it out! I got lucky that the last woman was covered by my insurance AND that I liked her. My friend sent me a psychology today link that had a way to seach for therapsists. That is how I found her 😉
it drives me NUTS that there’s still a stigma for therapy. haven’t we all agreed by now that mental health is a “real thing”? would you break your leg and never see a doctor? of course not! 🙂
I love your Friday questions!
As you know, I’m a fan of therapy. I’ve been in therapy for most of the last 10 years, though I’m not going currently. Therapy has helped me accept so much about myself. It also helped my husband and I save our marriage. I really don’t think we would have found what we have now without therapy. That said, I do think there are some terrible therapists out there. Like any profession, there are people who are not good. However, if you find someone who clicks with you, it’s so rewarding. I think anyone can benefit from therapy at some point. I’m a very introspective person, so I get a lot out of therapy. It opens you up to learning about yourself and what works for you and matters to you in life. I used to judge therapy and think I was just a loser who couldn’t go to my friends. But, I’ve learned that my friends can’t offer what a therapist can offer. They are biased by their own experiences, for one, and they have their own lives and concerns and separate issues. A therapist is, ideally, objective. There is something comforting about knowing that there will be no judgment; it’s their job to listen and get you to come to your own realizations.
I love the last sentence (well, and all of your comment!) that they are there w/o judgment and help you come to realizations! You’re so right – friends are biased. They know who you are talking about. A therapist really doesn’t!
I went to therapy when I battled with depression from about 14-16 years old. I went through about three different people before I found someone I really connected with. But once I did we were able to work together on putting me back together. I don’t go anymore but it really was a great space. You could say anything and it stayed in that room. I loved the trust you could build.
Im all for therapy. My counsellor in high school was my saving grace. I saw her practically every day. Then when I was in therapy for my eating disorder, my therapist was fantastic. Ive never been good at talking about personal stuff. Ever. I dont know why, Im just not comfortable with it, and she didnt make me. She helped me sort out other things in my life instead of forcing me to talk about my ED. She understood that was how I needed to get a handle on things and it worked.
As for talking to friends, yes thats what they’re for, but I think sometimes having someone impartial helps. I have those couple of people that I could tell anything to, but theres always the worry that they wont be as honest as a therapist would.
I’ve never gone to a therapist but there have been times when I’ve considered it. The thing is, it’s kind of like you said, I want to talk about my issues with FRIENDS, not some stranger. Sure I could get to know the therapist but I don’t think it would be the same. Then again, some of what I would like to talk about would be easier to spill to a therapist then a friend. Geesh, life can be so complicated. 😉
Kim: Wonderful topic (though I’m obviously biased)! As a counselor myself I’m obviously an advocate for therapy! As I read through the post and all the comments I must say it seems so many of you have hit the important parts of therapy right on the head! My favorites I will reiterate here:
-Friends are wonderful (and mean the world to me)…and yes, best friends are precious and you can (and should be able) to talk to them about anything; HOWEVER, depending on the the topic at hand for discussion, continual talk about different matters CAN take a toll on a friendship. If your friend feels like everytime you talk you’re talking about how depressed you are (which they obviously care about and they care about you), it can begin to take a toll on your friendship, and you don’t want your depression to affect some of the most important aspects of your life — friendships. As mentioned, depending on the severity of your troubles (i.e. depression, anxiety, marital issues, etc.) the more time it could take to address it, so you’d want to consider spending that time working on it with someone who you do not have an invested friendship with because you have nothing at stake of affecting. Did I state that in a way that even makes sense? HA HA!
-VERY IMPORTANT: As a few people have elluded too, counselors are not going to know the people in your life who might come up in discussion during your sessions. This allows you the best setting to feel as comfortable as can be telling your true feelings on the situation. For instance, sure, a best friend should love you whether you go off about how a mutual friend of y’alls really ticked you off; however, at the same time, your feelings about that mutual friend will always somewhat “be there” in your best friend’s mind from that day forward. With that being the case, anytime your friend sees that person they can always remember how you got so upset with them that one time, thus it could influence your best friend. Does that make sense? Talking to a counselor about people who they don’t know who they are, should allow for complete freedom to feel as if you can express your true feelings without the thought of worrying how it might influence the counselors view of the person. They don’t know the person, so it doesn’t matter.
-It really does just come down to the connection you have with your counselor. I’m a counselor, but I can TOTALLY agree with the comment earlier that mentioned that there are some TERRIBLE counselors out there — AMEN! HA! I’ve gone through classes in the past with collegues that I was thinking, oh my gosh, I would not want to be in therapy with that person…HA! But at the same time, there ARE some GREAT counselors out there.
-I too agree that I wish counseling could be more affordable, as more people need it than can afford it. Plus, it would help if it were more affordable so individuals wouldn’t feel so bad switching around to find a good counselor fit for them personally. Also, recently, like a year ago I think it was (can’t remember if it was Bush at the end of his term, or Obama at the very beginning of his term), but one of the Presidents passed some law stating that employers insurance policies had to include comparable mental health coverage to their physical health coverage. Because of this, mental health coverage is becoming more and more available (though it of course isn’t completely free even with the insurance coverage…and since it is typically including more sessions than say a doctor’s visit, it can add up in cost quickly).
-In the end, I am appreciative of your willingness to to opening discuss this topic. It really shouldn’t be something people are “afraid” to talk about, as like what many of you said, it should be utilized as commonly as physical health help is used. It’s sad that the stigma of mental health is still what it is today, but I believe we’ve made pretty big strives over the past 10 years or so to say it isn’t as “bad” or “wrong” as it used to be viewed.
On another note: I still follow your blog, though I haven’t gotten around to keeping up my blog anymore. Sad day. Somedays I think to myself, I’ve gotta start writing again…but then I don’t…HA! I really liked your Wheat Thins post the other day, and thought seriously about making them, but I don’t have a rolling pin…HA! I need to get one! Keep writing, I love following it! Thanks!
Thank you for your comment! I miss your blog! 🙂 We made more Wheat Thins today. They are addictive.
You bring up such a good point with warning against “continual talk” about things. I know I have friends who bitch about the same (non life-threatening stuff) over and over and I can barely take that. It would be draining to have a friendship with someone who had really deep problems all the time. That sounds shallow, but I think you understand. And I don’t like it when people always talk bad about mutual friends. As much as you try not to let it affect your opinion of that person, it still does, a bit!
I am happy to hear that laws are going into affect to include mental health in health insurance. The more acceptable it is there, the more acceptable it will be in the general public!
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
I completely, 100% believe in therapy! Most of my immediate family has gone at some point, including myself. 😉 I am a firm believer that you have to be comfortable and have a connection with them, like you said – it’s just like a relationship!
I would discuss things with my therapist that I felt too bad discussing with friends/family – I always feel like I’m whining or complaining to them. But with him, he helped me see things differently. He helped me recognize my way of thinking in different situations, and I still use that today. I’m happy for him (but sad for me) because he got a book deal and now he charges over $300 (no insurance) for 45 minutes. Boo. But I miss him – is that weird?? 🙂
I don’t think it is weird to miss him! It’s too bad he got uber popular and charges so much! That would stress me out!
i’m glad my post weaseled its way into your thoughts this week 😉
i totally agree with your take on therapy! it’s a shame that you had a lousy experience with a therapist when you were in college, and it’s so true, if you don’t feel a connection then it just won’t work. i often think “how lame that i have to pay someone to listen to me, shouldn’t i just have friends like normal people?” but i think your jillian michaels quote totally nails it. friends should definitely play a big role in your life, but there are also certain things that shouldn’t be “dumped” on people who are not equipped to handle it. the same way that if a friend came to you with a SERIOUS problem that you simply can’t help her with (and not for lack of wanting/trying) then it would only make sense for her to see a professional. there’s gotta be a balance, i think a lot of people become too dependent on their therapists and then never learn to stand on their own two feet, or how to lean on (unpaid)friends when need be!
That is an interesting point – people who only talk to their therapists! You know, now that I think about it, it can create some bridges, especially between you and loved ones, if you are spilling to a therapist and not propery communicating with the loved ones as well. Not that you need to tell them EVERYTHING, but, you shouldn’t keep everything secret at the same time.
I was a counselor for several ears before going back to school this year to get my RD (and concentrate on nutritional counseling), but I agree with what you said…it’s all about what the client brings to it. You can’t force someone to talk or to share. And the person has to be ready to open up….about the real issues. I’ve been to a therapist myself at a couple points in my life. Once it was not helpful at all and once it was very helpful. The difference had everything to do with my willingness. (A good therapist helps too!)
It’s interesting that no one commented AGAINST therapy. If anything, I guess at least this proves a lot of people support it! 🙂
You know a lot of my thoughts on this already, so I will just add with having what I think is a pretty good network of friends, it is different to have a completely *objective* observer listen to you talk. They don’t have the filter of knowing you, or for that matter worrying about you (I mean, they worry for your safety and mental health, but that’s different) and so they can provide thoughts completely different from friends. I always come to some pretty neat epiphanies in therapy that goes beyond just venting to my friends about my life. 🙂
Reading through the comments here.. you have a lot of Kim’s that read here. 🙂
As for going to see a therapist, I have. The biggest part of getting help when you need it is to want to get help. It’s not a bad thing to go to someone that knows how to discuss issues and bring up solutions you may not have thought of before.
The person I met with on several visits helped point out some issues that I thought I could work out myself. Turns out, there were some things I wasn’t seeing that she could after I revealed a few details. It really did help a lot at a time when I needed it.