Is it ever too late to say you’re sorry?
Have you ever regretted not apologizing for something that happened in your past? Would you apologize for it years, maybe even decades later?
Apparently, people are apologizing years later – especially on the internet. According to the Wall Street Journal article “Who’s Sorry Now? Nearly Everyone,” people are reconnecting on the internet so that they can apologize to one another for all sorts of things. One woman contacted someone she had told to “drop dead” 48 years earlier and apologized for that. Another woman apologized 3.5 years later on MySpace for not sending a thank-you for a shower gift.
I like that the article raised the question:
Just because there is someone from our past we could apologize to, should we? After all, how effective is an act of contrition—whether proffered over the Web or otherwise—that comes many, many years late?
The woman getting apologized to 3.5 years later for not receiving a thank-you did not think the apology was effective. She felt that the it was “astronomically” late and insincere. I probably would have felt the same way.
And the article brings up the point:
… we live in a self-help culture, where therapists, 12-step program guides and talk-show hosts are forever reminding us that forgiveness and gratitude are the way to happiness (and sobriety). Many times, a long-overdue apology, much like a confession, does more for the person offering it up than it does for the one receiving it.
I have a few thoughts on this and a few questions for you:
Have you ever received or given an apology years later? Would you accept an apology online? Have you ever expected an apology and not received one? Is it ever too late to say you’re sorry?
I tend to be uber-conscious of people’s emotions and can tell when I have made someone feel bad, so I try to apologize right away, sometimes in person, sometimes in an email. I can’t think of any apologies I owe. And really, I try not to apologize too much for mundane things. I am who I am and if something about ME bothers you I cannot apologize for that, but I can apologize for an action I’ve taken. I know that sounds awful, but maybe you can understand.
I AM guilty of expecting an apology and never receiving it. In fact, I am still waiting for one, and I am ashamed. But I just cannot seem to let it go. And I fear that it is something I will never forget and it will ruin the relationship with this person forever. I have to ask myself, if this person does not want to apologize for what they did, do I even want to be their friend?
It sounds like I need tips on “letting things go.” Ha. Well, the article didn’t offer those, but it did offer some tips if you decide to apologize to someone. Click “more” to read on.
- Make sure you are apologizing for the sake of the other person and not yourself. If your motives are selfish, don’t bother saying you are sorry.
- Resist sending an apology via a social-networking Web site. It’s too flip. Use the phone. Or at least write an email, which demonstrates a little more thoughtfulness.
- Ask how your actions affected the other person. “The best gift you can offer is the willingness to finally hear exactly what the other person felt like as a result of your actions,” says Karen Gail Lewis, a marriage and family therapist in Cincinnati.
- Be sincere. Explain why you did what you did, and why you are apologizing now.
- And—at the risk of sounding like your mother—try to apologize in a timelier manner next time.
Themocracy
Good question!
I have had to do a lot of apologizing in the last few months. Before I started getting help for my depression, I acted very badly. I was angry all the time and said and did things that if I had been thinking clearly I would not have done. Once my head was cleared some, and I realized the things I had done and said, I started apologizing to people. It came from the heart and was truly meant. For the most part, people accepted my apologies and understood that to some degree I had not been in control of my actions but my disease was.
However, I personally believe that there can come a time when an apology can cause more harm than good. About 14 years ago my mother was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. She thought she was going to die. To give a rough history, when I was growing up things were not good, and she was often responsible for why they were not good. Because she thought she was going to die, she decided it was time to apologize to people she had wronged. Some she meant, and others she just viewed as “cleaning the slate” and they were not as heart felt as they should have been. I have spent many years attempting to deal with the things that went on when i was child. At the time she was diagnosed, I had reached a sort of peace about things. She then decided to apologize to me. She explained that she never developed a bond with me like she did my brother, and that she realized she had treated him better than she had me. Rather than bring me any closure, her apology actually made me very mad. Maybe it was the way she did it, or maybe it was that I had finally come to terms with a few things, maybe it was because I could sense that she did not really mean it at the time, I am not sure why it made me so angry. Anyway, in that case apologizing so far after the fact, really was not what needed to be done.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Diabetes And Me =-.
You apologized because you meant it! Which is great 🙂 You are thoughtful and considerate.
But what your mom did? Wow. That would make me feel awful. Especially the bit about your brother. That is what Tori was saying in the comment below – she was just doing it to make herself feel better. I think that was one of the tips of when NOT to apologize!
I just realized my responses to your questions are always so long. I hope that is ok.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Diabetes And Me =-.
I am grateful for each and every comment – long or short! Just know that it takes me awhile to respond! 🙂
Hmmm…I can definitely think of a few people that I owe apologies, but they might not KNOW that I do (ie, people that I gossiped about when I was a 19 year old, etc.). I will say that “apologizing over the internet” rings with a note of…I dont’ know, insincerity? Maybe just laziness? I guess I feel like if you were REALLY sorry, couldn’t you at least call the person?
This is kind of how I feel about things like facebook and myspace too. They’re great for a quick reconnection, but real friendships demand more work than just a “wall message” or a poke. In that same way, real apologies (in my mind) demand more work than just an internet apology.
.-= Author’s last blog post… City of Lights =-.
I actually say sorry too often. I’m always saying it. Sometimes I don’t mean it. Or sometimes people take advantage of me feeling guilty.
I think an apology can mean the world. I have an ex boyfriend who I was with for 5 years. At the end, he was very confused and depressed about life and he basically broke things off with no warning, no apology, and NOT in person. I was devastated and had a really hard time trusting people after that. How could someone love you one day and then completely break off all contact the next?! My dear husband had to deal with my trust issues and break down some walls. I am so grateful to him for hanging in there with me! I love him 🙂
One day, out of the blue, a year after I had gotten married, I got an email from the ex saying that he had seen my wedding announcement and that he was so happy for me. He said how sorry he was, that he never stopped praying for my happiness, and that he couldn’t ask for my forgiveness because what he did was so wrong. I wrote him back and told him I forgave him. It took the weight of the world off of his shoulders and restored my faith in people. It meant a lot to know that he never stopped caring. He is married and lives in another country, but we email occasionally and it is really nice to have his friendship again.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Being a Smart Shopper =-.
Thank you for sharing this story of a meaningful, honest, apology! You can tell he really meant it, and it made both of you feel better in the long run 🙂 What a great story!
I am sorry you are still waiting for an apology. Does that person know you are waiting? Because sometimes I am oblivious to things that might hurt someone else but once I know, I really AM sorry about whatever it was and do apologize and also explain my thinking on not realizing I had hurt someone. I am still waiting for an apology myself about something from someone (very specific, right?) This person knows I am waiting for a real apology not the kind of apology that really means “I’m sorry you are mad or upset about this”.
I don’t think I’d go back and apologize for something years later unless it would do the other person some good to hear. I don’t think it’s fair to wait and then apologize because I think that makes it more about making yourself feeling better and maybe you would just re open an old hurt in someone else by bringing it up when they had gotten over it without your apology. Does that make any sense?
Your last paragraph is exactly what they were saying in the article – it benefits the apologizer and may open up old wounds. In fact, one story in the article was about a woman who apologzied later for confronting his sister about gaining weight – the sister said that made her feel worse all over again!
I don’t think this person knows I expect an apology because they think first of themselves and not about how they affect others. I know I won’t ever get one. I hope you at least get yours!
You say in some situations, you try to apologize right away, but you also try not to apologize for mundane things. That, of course, introduces the concept of perspective. What’s silly and mundane to you might not be to someone else.
This is an interesting subject. Personally, I apologize when I think it’s necessary and appropriate. That might be immediately after the fact. It also might be weeks or months after the fact. It all depends on the situation. And yes, sometimes the apology does have a lot to do with me … but the reality is, I’m going to apologize if YOU matter to me.
However, if I haven’t apologized (because maybe I didn’t realize I did something wrong or maybe my definition of mundane is different from yours) and you are hurt because of it, I think it’s just as important for that other person to speak up, to express their feelings of hurt or disappointment or anger. We live in a far too passive society when it comes to confrontation of this sort and I think so many long standing ill wills could be easily resolved should one party speak up.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Privacy =-.
When I saw mundane things, I mean, I don’t go around apologzing for my actions, you know “sorry to bother you, but…” etc. I hate that 😉
You bring up a good point. If you expect an apology – ask for it. The other person is probably oblivious, even if you feel like they shouldn’t be.
Great question. I try to apologize if needed immediately. Like you there are things about my personality that someone may not like.. there is nothing I can do there.. I don’t mean that I am rude but at the sametime I plan like crazy and like for things to happen in a certain way… anyways.. there are a couple poeople tht owe me an apology, one of which owes me more than one but unfortuantely since this person is family I can’t just stop talking to her.. the other person has apologized but to my husband regarding her behavior to me… which really annoys me.. she was rude to me so why is she apologizing to Raymond?
I used to say I am sorry a lot.. for everything.. I have worked really hard to tone it back a bit.
.-= Author’s last blog post… My Intentions! =-.
I don’t think it’s ever too late to apologize. Some would say they probably would never forgive someone for what they did, but it really only hurts the individual who’s choosing NOT to forgive versus the person who didn’t apologize in the first place. Holding a grudge is the worst feeling in the world, and I really think it’s hurtful for the person holding it. It can be really hard, but moving on and forgiving regardless of whether someone apologized or not is definitely the best way to go!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Shoppin’ Till we Drop =-.
I would def. accept a late apology. I think the fact that it weighed so heavy on their conscience for so long shows that they’re a good person.
.-= Author’s last blog post… I didn’t want this to happen… =-.
i think this post complements your post about gossip. i would be totally fine with a girl from my adolescence sending me an apology message years later. i would be happy about it! but i def don’t expect these things. years= time= heals? 🙂
as far as family goes… DEF apologize ANYTIME. i’m all about apologies. elliot and i apologize to each other if we overreact or get grumpy and it really lightens the situation instantly. plus i think it’s a skill and a key to working relationships.
.-= Author’s last blog post… How to Live and a Tea Thesis Proposal and LET’S GET WISE TOGETHER. =-.
Last month we forgot my aunt’s birthday and she was highly pissed. My first reaction was to get defensive, she didn’t start acknowledging our birthdays until our grandparents died and she became queen bee of the family. So I didn’t apologize right away.
Then I realized that I was being an ass, so I wrote her an apology in a letter. I haven’t heard back.
Apologies are hard, especially if you KNOW you were wrong and are embarrassed. Like I was.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Victorious!!! =-.
I’m in the “it’s never too late camp” and I think an internet apology is better than nothing although I think the apology should fit the crime so to speak.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Almost Wordless Wednesday =-.
I think I apologize too much, and I used to never notice it until I got in a serious relationship. But when I was younger my family was never good at saying when they were mad at you for something, so apologizing for everything was one of the only ways to cover my bases. It’s good to read stuff like this as a reminder though that too much apologizing definitely ruins the point of it.
.-= Author’s last blog post… If I go there will be trouble =-.
this happened to me a few weeks ago but, I got my apology in person. About 2 1/2 years ago I worked with a very disorganized and need sales rep and she tried to take advantage of me and she would not respect my job and personal boundaries. After I moved to my new position I rarely have to think of her. She has come to the office on a few occaitions and completely ignored me since.
A few weeks ago, she comes to my cube to apologize for everything she ever did to me. then she tried to hug me (It was awkward). She kept mentioning “good karma” etc. Turns out that her husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and she beleives that her actions may have attributed to it.
I accepted her apology but it was just strange.
I agree with your points, it is never too late to offer a sincere apology. I suspect that if you have been carrying the guilt of an apology, it is time to say it, mean it and move on.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Staying safe =-.
Oh gosh. So it really took something drastic happening for her to think about apologies. I hope her husband is okay!
Wow….this is great timing. I found my ex-BFF on Facebook, and it’s kind of my fault our friendship ended. Long story short, I was one of *those girls* (ugh) who ditched all of her girl friends in college….for a BOY. The last time we talked was 9 years ago, and we were yelling at each other. I still have dreams about it – it just eats away at me when I know I’ve done someone wrong. But then, it’s been so long…how do I even begin to apologize? Will she care/acknowledge my apology?
Another friend and I had a falling out, and she actually apologized to me about a year after it happened. It turns out, she was going through some MAJOR things I had no idea about, which explained her behavior. Now she and I are still great friends. I am so thankful for that!
I need to work up the nerve to e-mail my ex-BFF. 🙂
.-= Author’s last blog post… Does This Make You Feel Better…..or Worse? =-.
Just be sincere! Maybe she will hear you out and understand 🙂
I’m not sure about this. I can see both sides I suppose. While an apology is nice at some point, if it’s been years or decades, is it worth it? I dunno! I tend to hold a grudge though so apologies definitely would work on me years later! LOL
.-= Author’s last blog post… Heat is our Friend =-.
wowwww, interesting topic. I think it really depends on how the apology is delivered and its sincerity. If someone is truly sorry and remorseful for their action than I say, better late receiving an apology than never. On the other hand, if it’s a flippant yeah, sorry bout that, then I could certaintly do without that kind of apology.
My worry would be hurting someone somehow and not even realizing it to apologize. That would suck.
Long story short, I had an ex-boyfriend email me years later out of the blue to apologize for how our relationship ended. I could tell he was totally doing it for him. Really, I could have done without it as it just stirred up feelings I didn’t want to deal with.
I admit that I’m not very good at apologizing. Or maybe I’m not very good at realizing when I need to apologize.
.-= Author’s last blog post… New Age Group Ahoy! Plus a GIVEAWAY!! =-.
I did apologize for something years later. Repeatedly. I couldnt forgive myself for something I did, she forgave me, which was amazing. I wouldnt be able to forgive anyone for doing what I did.
As for receiving an apology years later, I got one of those. Yes, it was 3 years later than it should have been, but it helped. To this day I remember every word and it really affected me. I dont know that I would have healed without it.
As long as it is a legitimage, sincere apology, I think its better late than never. I guess it depends on what the apology is for, but for the big things, it allows a level of healing that is hard to reach without it.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Ready for the Summer!! =-.
I am happy you were able to apologize and get that off your chest! And that you received a late apology and it helped 🙂
This is really interesting. I do think social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace allow people to connect after long periods of time have passed. I don’t think it’s ever too late to say sorry. Sometimes, a grievance can weigh on a person (both the person who committed it and the person who was affected by it). “I’m sorry” can go very far. I’ve never experienced a years-long grudge that ended with an apology…but I did have a falling out with a friend that was several months long before we patched things up. I’m not that good at holding grudges. If a relationship is valuable to me, I will figure out my part in its falling apart and quickly apologize for any wrongdoing. I’m also guilty of expecting apologies. I’m so hyper aware of how people feel and I tend to expect other people are this way too. I do get bitter about this at times, which I don’t think serves much purpose!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Light bulb moment #3: I’m mortal, and that might be ok =-.
I don’t think it’s ever too late to say you’re sorry. You obviously can’t control the response of the person you’re apologizing to — they may accept your apology or they may not — but if you still feel bad about your actions well after the fact, I say have at it. If nothing else, you got it off your chest and can hopefully move forward.
I think I would apologize to someone if it was years later. I know I’ve accepted apologies years later. Always time to say sorry.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Let’s Make Sushi =-.
I’m working on not apologizing as much for stupid things. I feel like I am, in day to day life, constantly saying “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t my fault.
Additionally, I really want to apologize (again) to my cousin for something that happened over a decade ago, but when I stop and think about it, I know that it would be more for me than her. She told me years ago to forget it and has since made sporadic (nice) contact with me but I feel like I haven’t gotten it off of MY chest.
.-= Author’s last blog post… I Never Learn =-.
I apologized to my mom recently because we were living with her before we moved to Turkey. Everything happened so fast that I had to leave the majority of our stuff behind and I felt so guilty that she had to deal with the mess/sorting/getting rid of stuff after we left. My guilt about it was compounded by the fact that the whole reason we moved in with her was because my step father had died a year and half before and she had just finished doing the same thing with all of his stuff. We helped where we could but I never felt like we did enough because we were working all the time.
I had been carrying around the guilt about both situations for awhile but when I apologized she gave me a response that surprised me. She told me that she felt like it was easier to go through and get rid of stuff without me or my step-father being there. I guess it’s easier because she doesn’t have to worry about how someone else is going to feel about it. The guilt over this hardship I thought I had caused her was really just in my head.
I have held grudges towards people in the past, usually over failed relationships or other little things. But that is toxic. I’m glad I learned at an early age (I don’t know where I learned it, maybe I just figured it out, but I remember doing it since grade school) to just forgive people. Just the same way people practice blind hatred, I try to practice blind forgiveness. Whenever I’m really angry at someone and just can’t seem to let it go, I use the simple mantra: “I forgive you” over and over in my head (or sometimes even out loud to myself) until I feel that burden of anger lifting. I’m not saying I don’t expect apologies from people when they hurt me, but sometimes you can’t just wait around for it, and sometimes it will never come. It’s not about being a push-over. You don’t have to forget in order to forgive, but holding on to resentment only hurts you in the end, and the sooner you can let go of it you take away the power of the person who hurt you had over you.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Brain Food =-.
Aren’t moms the best? They are so giving and always seem to find the bright side in everything.
Thanks for your last paragraph (well, all of them!) – I really needed that, especially the “it’s not about being a push-over” part. I need to quit causing myself stress when the other person obviously isn’t stressed at all about it!
Great to think about -thanks for sharing!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Spanish Tapas! =-.
Extremely interesting and close to home topic…all I can say at this time is that you should look at whether it would be harmful or not toward the person – ask yourself – is it true? is it necessary? is it harmful?…once you can answer those, then you can go from there I guess…they did “tell” us too that if it is something that won’t benefit the person at this point/time in their life – then to write a letter to that person – say it all – but don’t send it – rather burn it, tear it up, throw it away , whatever! but then it’s over. I don’t know…;)
.-= Author’s last blog post… WWYD? =-.
1. I’ve never received an apology years later. – not sure there was anything I expected an apology for that wasn’t offered right away.
2. Any form of apology takes effort so, online, by phone, face-to-face, it all takes fore thought on the part of the person humbling themselves. As long as the apology isn’t in the form of “I’m sorry, BUT….”
3. If I expected an apology but didn’t get one (and YES – many a time this has happened), I tend to believe that I am being over sensitive or that I misinterpreted the intention or the words. But that doesn’t mean I won’t hold a grudge. So like you, I guess I need to learn how to let go of the past a bit better.
4. Ever too late? No. If it is still on a persons mind and they feel the need to redeem themselves, allow them the peace of mind. If it were me, I would hope the person would let me admit my fault from weeks/months/years ago.
.-= Author’s last blog post… On a Snowy Morning =-.
I need to get on board with the “I am being oversensitive” thought process and just get over it! 🙂 Thanks for your insight!
By the way… I just love the way your site looks and your comments work. It’s so different and cleaner than a lot of blogs. 🙂
p.s. I hope I don’t have to apologize to anyone for that? 😉
.-= Author’s last blog post… On a Snowy Morning =-.
Apologizing YEARS later? I don’t have anything major to apologize for, HOWEVER, there are people who could certainly apologize to me. The thing is, I don’t WANT their apologies and if they were to do it now, I would know that it would just be to make themselves feel less guilt over the past.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Clear as Day & Night =-.
Hm, that’s a really interesting points about late apologies being more for the givers than for the receivers. I’m not really waiting for any apologies, but I imagine that I would be rather unhappy if I didn’t receive one that I thought I was due. (Also, I hold grudges. Also, I’m a selfish person.)
Ew, apologizing via text or a social network? No, thank you. That’s so lame!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Frenchie photos. =-.
I’m like you, I think I’m pretty good at apologizing right away. If anything, I over-apologize. 😉
The only time I thought about it…I’m not sure if I shared this story with you or not…is in regard to a guy I went to school with (grade school to hs) and was always very mean toward. I was hardly in a high social class, but he was still a step below me. And, well, I was really mean.
For years I wanted to find him and apologize. Eventually we ended up connecting through a friend on Facebook. But no apology was ever necessary–we just sort of ended up in a place of “I’m cool and you’re cool” and I feel like we are friends now. So that’s nice. 🙂 But yeah, that was more to soothe my own guilt than anything!
This is such a difficult thing for me…I sort of sway between letting things go and being the bigger person, and standing by my principles! It is really hard. But I know that if someone apologized to me I would forgive them immediately. I can’t hold a grudge.
Really good topic!
.-= Author’s last blog post… To Splurge or Not to Splurge? =-.
what is that saying? “holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.” so i try not to hold them, but that’s easier said than done.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Christy – Lost? =-.
hm. Interesting, I’ve never really thought much about this subject before, so I might spew a bit of nonsense…but here’s my immediate thoughts on the subject:
If a person apologized to me years later for something, I would accept the apology, whether it was out of selfish motives or not. More likely, it WILL be out of a selfish motive, so alleviate one’s underlying, crushing guilt. And to think that that person has been weighed down by that guilt for so long? Well, I think that is enough punishment for that person…And any apology is still better than no apology, I think.
.-= Author’s last blog post… The Little Croaker that Belonged =-.
I have apologized for something years later. The very moment I understood why she’d been upset, I wrote a lengthy handwritten letter to apologize. The mail eventually found her and she sent one back–she’d moved past it long ago but was still grateful for my apology.
If the person was sincere, I believe I would accept his or her apology even years later, and there are a few I’d like to hear.
Wow, what an interesting discussion your post set off – I have been reading everyone’s comments, mesmerized. The thing is, I can really see both sides. Sometimes it is scary to apologize to someone, and sometimes it is maybe better not to, because you run the risk of dredging up all those bad feelings from the past. That said, I think if someone makes the effort, we should try to be generous about accepting the apology in whatever form it is given – but sometimes that is hard if you still have bad feelings about what happened and you feel like the apology isn’t sincere. In an ideal world, of course, we would all treat each other with love and respect and we wouldn’t need to apologize!
.-= Author’s last blog post… No Snow Today….do I dare??? =-.
While I cannot recall a specific incident off hand, I do know there has been at least a few times in my life where I’ve regretted not apologizing for something I should have years later. It’s not something I lose sleep over, but at the same time, if I come back in contact with such a person and if the subject is still simmering, I will offer up an apology.
If I know right away that I’ve offended someone, I don’t waste any time in apologizing.
As for an online apology, unacceptable. Apologies are supposed to be more personal. A phone conversation works if you can’t be face to face. And apology should be sincere, not something to help you feel better about yourself.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Must Botch TV =-.
I saw this online and thought of this post:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8452937.stm
I don’t think it’s every too late to say sorry. I am a pretty forgiving person, I don’t really believe in wasting energy at being mad and understand people make mistakes. I think if someone were to apologize to me years later I would forgive them. However, I can see how hard it would be to apologize after so much time has gone by, so I’m not sure if I myself would necessarily have the guts to do it. I usually try to apologize as quickly as possible, it’s just easier that way before it turns into a big thing. Interesting topic!
I don’t think it’s too late to say you’re sorry…I had a girl who made my early teenage years, well, not so pleasant, come to me during college to apologize before she entered the convent. At the time I was a bit scarred but I’m sure she’s glad to have it off her chest! I have THE hardest time apologizing to people in my family, it’s been like that for years, but I’m always working on it! It’s awful to have something hang over your head for months/years.