Is there merit in gossiping?
Gossiping. We all do it from time to time. It’s so fun, yet so wrong… right?
There was an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday – “Killing Gossip with Kindness.” The article discussed methods teachers are using to quell student gossiping, rampant gossiping on the internet, and the merit of gossiping.
Quelling Gossiping in Schools
A teacher quoted in the article said kids today seem more sarcastic than past generations. She suggests to students that before saying something about someone else, to ask themselves, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?“
What a great triad of questions to remember. It seems obvious to think through these questions before you open your mouth, but of course, we don’t. And while I have to say – I think many kids are just MEAN – I believe this exercise would be helpful and develop good habits.
Rampant Gossiping on the Internet
The article mentions the plethora of gossip online, and how it can permanently tarnish your image – because it’s online forever. We bloggers are familiar with this. People seem to be apt to say things online, behind the safety of a computer screen, that they would NEVER say in real life.
Professor Daniel Solove*, who wrote a book about internet gossip, was quoted:
Given the times we live in, he says it can’t hurt to reinforce in our children the need to ask: “Is it kind? True? Necessary?” But he suspects that “we can’t make people nicer. So we need to keep pushing legal consequences.” He advocates the strengthening of laws against Internet irresponsibility, arguing that the specter of being sued is the best weapon to slow down malicious gossip.
Can you imagine being sued for what you say online? That seems like an invasion of freedom of speech, but hey, it wouldn’t surprise me.
The Merit of Gossiping
To me, the most interesting part of the article was the section with quotes from Professor Susan Hafen**. She argues for gossiping:
In her research, she has found that workplace gossip often serves a positive function. For instance, it helps people conform: When we gossip about someone who got fired, we learn what happens to people who break the rules.
At the same time, gossip is a social interaction. “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Those are good questions,” says Dr. Hafen. “But it would be a boring world if we always had to tiptoe around, being kind. For one thing, we wouldn’t be able to tell any jokes.”
More seriously, she says, prohibiting gossip that isn’t “kind” may be a way of “avoiding unpleasantness, of fence-sitting, of not rocking the boat. If we only tell kind stories about people, then we may be avoiding holding people responsible for their actions.”
That last sentence quoted is what I struggle with – keeping my mouth shut and letting other people get away with irresponsible behavior. No matter how hard you try to communicate your concern, it can still be perceived as an attack to the person, rather than a discussion of their actions (or lack thereof).
What do you think of the article? Are you going to ask yourself “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” Are internet laws against gossiping appropriate? Is there merit to gossiping? Do you think you need to cut back on gossiping? (please comment on what particularly interests you from the article!)
Overall, I can say I gossip much less than I used to, and that is a direct reaction to the work environment I entered in December of 2008. But, there ARE people who irk me the wrong way, ALL THE TIME, and boy, does Steven get to hear it. I make a conscious effort to try to say some nice things about them from time to time as well, but yeah, not all the time. I am going to start asking myself the three questions.
Bonus Question: Have you ever tried to remain neutral when with a group of people who are gossiping?
I have. You don’t say anything and they get VERY upset. It makes them feel bad. I’ve been in this situation a lot.
*From George Washington University Law School.
**A professor of communication at Webster State University in Ogden, Utah.
Themocracy
Oy…I am a bad gossiper, shame to say. It’s something I really would like to work on changing about myself. Asking those three questions would be a great way to start– thanks for sharing!
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I do gossip a lot less than I used to even a year ago. One interesting thing that I’ve found is that when my life is miserable, I am way more prone to gossip than when it is happy. I’m not proud of that fact but hey, it’s honest. I think we gossip because we don’t want to look at our own lives and love other people’s train wrecks too much.
That being said, I have lately been really adamant about asking people not to gossip about mutual friends in front of me. I don’t care about other people’s business unless they care to tell me so yeah, dialed WAY down!
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Ugh, I admit I’m a pretty big gossiper. I don’t necessarily “talk bad” or really trash on people but I do love to discuss gossip. Now with a little girl on the way I need to reform my ways so I don’t encourage her to be a gossip, and so I can teach her to be kind and to not talk about people in a gossipy manner.
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I am terrible about gossiping, or, rather, just saying snarky, mean things. Every year, I resolve to be a nicer person, but unfortunately, I haven’t succeeded yet. Those three questions might actually help me a lot because they offer a “tangible” way of stopping myself or noticing what I’m doing.
That said, part of my problem is the fact that I think nice people are extremely boring. (On the flip side, I also thing extreme gossipers and people who go out of their way to talk badly about people are not only boring, but also really lame.) I guess I’ll need to come to terms with this before I really improve myself, but I can agree with the “merits of gossiping” in that respect. Life is more interesting when everyone isn’t tip-toeing around trying to be PC, but, of course, there are extremes in all cases.
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I used to be a big gossiper until I realized the problem lied within my own insecurity. The insecurity doesn’t have to be about the topic your gossiping about, but just the fact that you don’t think you can hold a decent convo. without bringing someone else into it.
Even though I don’t think it’s really a good thing, I don’t think there should be laws against it! It’s more of a jugement of character, it’s not like you’re physically hurting someone!
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I hate gossiping. Hate it. That’s probably a large part of why I feel like I’m socially retarded … most people do tend to gossip, and I just don’t feel comfortable with it, so that kind of leaves me … well, nowhere.
A certain amount of gossiping is normal, I guess; it’s just inherent human nature. But there’s really no need to get all mean and snarky about it!! (Yeah, I went to an all-girls high school. Do I need to even say that high school girls are bitches?)
<3 <3
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I’ve found the best way to not gossip is to avoid being around people who do. I avoid them completely. I am not completely gossip free, but if you’re not with people who engage in that stuff, then it happens much less. I don’t trust people who gossip a lot b/c you know they do it about you too.
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I think the biggest change I’ve made when it comes to gossiping is that I no longer say anything in private company that I wouldn’t say directly to the person we’re talking about (the one exception: talking/venting to the steel trap of secrets that is my husband). If a person ever hears that I’m saying something about them, I want to be able to stand by what I said to their face. That makes me think before I speak and keeps me from being overly (and unnecessarily) harsh, I think, which can happen when a gossiping session really gets going!
Of course, it would be better to just say something directly to the person in question…
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I agree with you about environment making a difference – at my last job the office gossip was RIDICULOUS. And it wasn’t just about petty things, it was about upper management problems, work inconsistencies, etc. I admit to liking gossip every now and then – makes me feel included – but to an extreme I get the opposite reaction and can’t stand to be around it. And that was a problem at my last job – I wouldn’t participate and then it would turn against me (the gossip).
One thing I wonder about is when people share stories about their friends/family for feedback. In some ways I feel like I’m gossiping but I also really do want opinions from friends on what I bring up.
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What a toxic environment! I would hate that. I am happy you got out.
Are you referring to blog entries in your last paragraph? What a good question. I should put that out there for feedback. I try really hard to write vaguely, and I hate that. Maybe I am already overstepping boundaries!
I think there is a negative connotation when you use the term gossip and not all instances of that kind of banter are necessarily negative. Instead, I would ask, do you speak your mind? My answer is yes. I speak my mind in person and over the internet. Do I ask myself is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? No. But, I do ask if it’s my story. And if the answer is yes, then I say what I want to say. Of course, I try to balance getting my point across while maintaining sensitivity to those people involved. But, I am a strong proponent for freedom of speech and I think it’s really important we don’t just melt into the wallpaper. We have a right and need to stand up for ourselves. That said, I always do so with the assumption that everyone is reading … so, should that someone come across my writing, while they might not like what I’ve written, at least they can say it wasn’t written with malicious intent.
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I guess I’m a huge entertainment gossiper – I’ll talk forever about what celeb is doing what to whom and I’m a regular TMZ reader, but I suppose that’s not really the gossip you are getting at. Believe it or not, I think I’ve tone down the type of gossiping about normal people, say work gossip for instance, the more I get older. I realized how unprofessional it must make a person look when spreading around some office gossip. I’m not saying I don’t partake in any of it, but certainly alot less than I used to. I guess you have to ask yourself why do you feel the need to gossip…is it apart of insecurity, as Danielle mentioned?
During the holidays, I had a department lunch. A person in another department that isn’t well liked was brought up. I realized that the person I was sitting next to was friendly with the person being gossiped about, so I kept my mouth shuuuuut.
But, I’m curious though, when does complaining/venting about something or someone turn into gossip?
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I have a good friend that NEVER gossips. She’s not holier-than-though, either, she just doesn’t do it. I need to ask her what her secret is!
I will say, I’m MUCH better about gossiping than I used to be. I mean, in college, that was all my friends and I did! What is helpful to me is questioning to myself, “Would I say this to ___’s face?” I’m such a chicken s*&^ when it comes to confronting people, so OFTEN the answer is no. So I TRY not to say it. Doesn’t always work, but it’s so true!
And, yes, I hate being in the situation where you are neutral. I always try to make neutral comments. Like, “Really?” “Wow.” hahaha I’m sure it’s annoying as hell.
I’m certainly not one to spread any gossipy stories I overhear or that are told to me. Similar to your question earlier this week (or last week…whichever) about telling or hearing news before anyone else. I very rarely pass TRUE news on so I’m not one to pass on things I don’t know are true. However, part of me agrees with the professor who stated that gossip has some merit. I find, though, that gossip increases when people are afraid to ask questions or don’t know who ask to find out the truth. Sure, it’s good to gossip about someone getting fired because now you know what no to do, but if no one really knows the truth about the situation and instead everyone is just spreading rumors then I don’t think it’s helpful.
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I actually “google defined” gossip because in my mind gossip is usually stuff that is negative that the other people wouldn’t want you to be telling…but I do, I gossip.
In my defense, while it is not always necessary, I haven’t put stuff on my blog that isn’t TRUE.
I think this post is very interesting…I need to start reading the WSJ more, you always find good stuff there.
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The older I get the less I gossip. Not sure if it is because I just don’t have the energy of that I can’t stand the negativity. I agree though that people don’t like it when you remain neutral!!
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I am not much of a gossiper.. mainly because if I want to gossip my mom shuts it down. Plus I am always afraid that the words would get back to the person that the gossip is about/
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I’ve thought a lot about this lately, mostly because I have this shameful, guilty pleasure that involves reading celebrity gossip. Every time, I wonder, “Why am I doing this?” I guess it’s fun to get involved in the scandal of it all, to have some distraction from the hum-drum life. But, it is really negative, I think. I’ve noticed that when I start talking about a friend to my husband, in a gossipy way, he just smiles and nods and changes the subject. I think he knows that no real good comes from me going down that path. It just makes negativity fester. I would never think that having rules against gossip would be helpful. I just think people have to come to terms with what makes THEM feel good. I don’t really feel good when I gossip. I feel much calmer when I don’t get wrapped up in all that.
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I love gossip. Both the “real” and the “celebrity” type. I guess all of the drama makes me feel better about my life. But, the point of gossip is that its generally negative. You dont “gossip” about a friend who lost 20lbs and looks fantastic … but you do gossip about a friend who gained 20 and isnt quite herself. So asking the whole is it nice is it true thing doesnt work – because the intent of saying those things that classify as gossip is generally malicous, and the very root of what circulates around in grade schools and high schools. And, while I admit I love gossip, I would never want to be the one people are gossiping about 🙁
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Gossip is never going to go away. People are always going to talk about one another — it’s human nature. I think the word “gossip” has a negative connotation. Sometimes you dish behind someone else’s back not for the purpose of being mean and petty, but because you need to vent or you need to discuss something of importance with someone else involved in a specific situation. The key here is really in the first graf of the article when the author says Wendy sees a lot of children growing up without guidance. My personal opinion is that the root of a lot of children’s issues today is the fact that many of them don’t have a strong support structure — family members and other adults to teach them about right and wrong and what makes you a good person. I’ll be the first to admit that I gossip, that I’ve been sarcastic since I came out of the womb and that snark might as well be my middle name. But I know when it’s appropriate and when it’s not, and I’m also well aware of things you just shouldn’t say, things that cross the line. Since gossip isn’t going anywhere, I think the focus should be on teaching children about compassion.
I don’t gossip much but at times it can be fun. I’ve never participated in malicious gossip though, when that starts I just wait it out or say something depending on what I’m feeling.
Internet laws against gossiping seems rather ridiculous. If they do that then they might as well just make gossip illegal off the computer too. It’s a part of life, sometimes it’s hurtful, sometimes it’s not.
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Hmmm . . Im torn on gossip. Yes I do it. I try not to – and to be fair, I dont talk to enough people that I get much of an opportunity to spread anything anyhow. But in high school there were tons of rumors about me. True and untrue. But being on the other end of it makes you realize how much you can hurt someone.
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I love the idea of asking “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?”
I used to be a horrible gossip (in h.s., like many girls!) but it got me into trouble more times than I’d prefer to mention. By 18 or 19 I had learned to keep my mouth shut in group like situations, like, for example in a group of female friends. Women are so catty sometimes and there were times when they would try everything to get me to join in but it just made me guarded with them–if they gossip about our mutual friend, why wouldn’t they do it to me?
I still have the urge to gossip sometimes but I try to resist it.
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the older i get, the less i gossip….which makes sense that “gossip girl” is all about high school, right?
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I think there’s a big difference between gossiping and venting. I too have a horrible co-worker and I cannot help but vent about her to my boyfriend and another kid I work with. It might be considered gossip with the kid I work with since he knows her too, but not with the bf.
I don’t know if I gossip much. Probably more than I recognize. Not a good thing!
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ooh good topic. i have a lot of thoughts on this one. particularly because relational aggression was one of my research topics in college and post-grad. it has been on my mind a lot lately how the internet can be exploited– new texting/social network technology… i mean when i was in HS we used aim etc and even that was starting to be abused. it is so easy to spread rumors and now at our fingertips we have the ability to say anything at anytime to anyone… without at all editing ourselves. and kids and teenagers RARELY edit themselves. i think it is a great effort the teachers are making with those questions to ask yourself… but i am not optimistic that teenagers will integrate that into their everyday existence. i think as adults we still need to just as much ask those questions of ourselves before saying something potentially hurtful.
in contrast the workplace gossip is completely a different animal than teenage gossip. usually workplace gossip doesn’t reach the talked about party. it is just a shared expression of exasperation, and it is beneficial because it brings coworkers together and relieves stress. in the case of teenagers, usually rumors are USED against others, as a means to alienate, humiliate, and just generally be hurtful and damage relationships and social status. ugh even just talking about it makes me so mad. because in some cases those rumors/gossps are so permanently damaging. far-reaching. i see kids switching schools, becoming depressed, entering adulthood with lasting issues.. so unecessary.
if only we were all kind to each other, what a different and better place the world would be..
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Thanks for bringing up the difference between gossiping tennagers and gossiping at work. I think that is what a lot of other commenters were wondering… they knew that gossiping at work was not usually malicious, but could not differentiate it.
I hate high school for reasons like those you mentioned. I did consider switching high schools my junior year. I stuck with it though and was so happy when it was done.
This is a great post! I could used to have gossiped from time to time…but i realized that it was causing more harm than good. Was I not secure with myself? At the time probably not!
Thanks for the great new recipe!!! And for oats – do you know much about the Acid and Alkaline diet? Oats are high a high acid food….for me I notice when I eat lots of acid foods. Thats all 😉
XXOO
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I’m a very curious person and sadly, love to hear the scoop on how everyone is doing but don’t USUALLY tend to gossip too much. however, since I got my new coteacher and she’s been gone tons, my coworkers and I talk about her a lot, how we can’t believe she’s still there, etc. Most of them I also consider friends but I’m still trying to cut back on talking about her because I think “what if they were talking about you this way??” …I’m trying!!!
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That’s good that you brought this up. I try very hard not to talk negative about others. I also work really hard at listening and remaining neutral when others are gossiping. Just when I think I am being “good” and then start gossiping to my husband, he tells me to STOP! It catches me off guard and makes me feel defensive. I actually end up appreciating it though. I wasn’t even realizing it, ya know.