Worrying about the health of a loved one
Have you ever been worried about the health of a loved one but not been sure on what you could do to help?
I know I’ve been in that situation. And people have probably been in that situation with concern for me. The problem is, I never figured out what to say/do to help.
I was reading Men’s Health* while working out on the bike on Tuesday. In the “Ask the Girl Next Door” section of “Ask Men’s Health” I saw this question:
Q: My wife eats junk food and never exercises, and I’m worried she’s going to balloon when she hits 35. How can I address this without getting my head ripped off?
Um, I would start by NOT using the world balloon. Men’s Health’s answer (remember, this answer is from a woman):
A: First, see if you can help her change her lifestyle without having a direct conversation. Ask her to take a walk with you after work. Hold her hand and ask about her day. Cook dinner more often and assume grocery duties. In fact, do more chores in general – remove a chunk of her daily obligations, and she’ll have more time and energy to spend on herself. If after a few months you still see no change, that’s when you sit her down, hold her tight, and say you’ve noticed that she hasn’t been taking great care of herself. Tell her it worries you on both a health level and, you’re embarrassed to admit, a sexual level. Say it makes you feel shallow and that you hate hurting her feelings, but that it’s something you want to address. Then ask her what’s going through her mind. And this is the most important part: Listen to her answer, and tell her, as many times as it takes, that you’ll always love her and you’re wiling and eager to help make her life easier.
Wow.
So… I thought there as definitely some good advice in there – splitting chores to allow equal free time between spouses, listening to each other’s concerns, working out together…
But damn. The sexual comment? Not being honest about your concerns from the get-go? That doesn’t fly with me. If you are going down that route, you might as well follow this AWFUL list of “10 subtle ways to tell her she’s getting fat.” Yep. It’s awful. Read it if you want to be a little bit pissed off for the rest of the day.
Would these techniques work on you? What would work? Have you ever tried to help someone out with following a healthier lifestyle?
I sometimes have food issues – binge eating and eating too fast. These issues are triggered by being rushed, feeling like things are out of my control, stress, general anxiety, and we can’t forget the last one – boredom. Steven has tried to help me. But I am so defensive about it. I think even if I came up with the perfect thing for him to say, and he said it, I would still find something wrong with the tone of his voice, or his timing. I don’t want to make it a lonely battle, because I am sure I could use support from time to time, but I am just not ready for it.
In the same sense, I don’t think I discuss exercise with him in the way he would prefer. I love to hear about other people’s workouts, so I will ask if he had time to fit one in, and if he didn’t, I think me asking makes him feel bad.
I am not mentioning these two examples because it’s a huge problem for us – it surely isn’t. We support each other by cooking healthy meals, working out together, and discussing our healthy goals. I just want to say that I think it is difficult to help someone else get healthy**, even if you have great communication. It’s so personal. You have to be really comfortable to even talk about it.
*Seems like a great mag, by the way!
**Especially since healthy can mean so many different things to different people.
Themocracy
Great post! Your right – it is personal. Very much so. I over-eat, “binge” alot too and have a hard time facing it myself , let alone have someone talk to me about it…it makes me feel more ashamed and guilty…I don’t know. But who knew from a Men’s mag? haha. I sometimes read it at the gym…if there’s a cute guy on it ;). Thanks for keeping in on my blog. I’ll add you to my roll and do the same (if you want!) cheers.
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The thing is, she probably already thinks about it, and him bringing it up will probably only make things worse. At least from my perspective, it just makes me mad, and then I dig in my heels and become resentful, making the situation worse. It not something someone can decide for another person. That person has to want to make changes on their own.
100% agree. Seriously, no matter how the fiance approached the topic, I’d still probably be hurt. Though I did tell him the other day that he was getting a little pudge in the middle (HE ASKED while poking himself like the pillsbury dough boy). He said “oh ok, I’ll eat less at dinner.” Seriously, why cant it just be that easy for us lol.
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i won’t give up! i know. i hate getting DUPED ALL THE TIME! ugh. i can’t believe i keep meeting jackasses that just want to downgrade me all the time. wtf!
i’ll try to be more open instead of closing up. AGAIN.
I think it all depends on the person who needs to make a change. If they also recognize they need to change, then it might be easier to broach the topic. But, there are a lot of people who don’t want to change … and then it becomes a fruitless effort.
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Wow, you’re right! That Top 10 List was terrible–though, I think the two about improving HIS fitness and diet might be useful and productive. I think, for this Q&A, the crux of the problem is that the asker doesn’t seem concerned about anything BUT his lady’s physical appearance, at not point does he say he worries about high blood pressure, life longevity, cholesterol, quality of life, etc. And it sounds like his girlfriend is one of those people who is blessed with a high metabolism…for now.
I think I’d be hurt if Harrison said something, but I can pretty much guarantee that I would notice my weight gain before him. (I’ve lost about 25 pounds over the course of our relationship, and he says he can only really notice in my face.)
I definitely do the same thing–overeat, eat too fast, eat because I’m stressed or bored. It’s so weird and unfair that, for the most part, only girls get these complexes. Poop.
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I agree that the whole sexual aspect of it should not be brought up. That will only make her feel worse about herself and question his feelings for her. I think if it were Rich and I in that situation, I would want him to talk to me about it but in a health-related way. That’s a sticky situation anyway you handle it!
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Starting a comment with “I know this sounds shallow, but…” realllly bugs me. It’s like saying “I know this will hurt you and probably make things tougher than they already are, but…” I know the significant other/health issue is really sensitive, but there are just better ways to go about it! I have a problem with binging too (when I don’t feel in control of things) and Chris knows the only thing he can really do is spend time in the apartment with me when he can (since the binging is always when I’m alone) and listen if I tell him about it.
I shouldn’t have read that list… I really am FUMING. Talk about passive aggressive!
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I can’t bring myself to click the 10 list because I am pissed off enough about stuff, I don’t need encouragement! 😉
As someone who has dated men who have been hurtful to me about my body based on their OWN insecurities I get really fired up about this topic. I think the approach is crucial. Framing your concerns from a shallow, self-centered place is a recipe for disaster. If the health of the person is really the main concern and not the fact that (gasp!) she might gain weight, then that’s valid. A lot of the time life can be overwhelming and prioritizing one’s health and self-care seems to be the first to go. I see it happen to all kinds of people- male and female, fat and thin.
I get really irritated when people assume that if you are larger you are unhealthy. It’s bullshit. You can be a size 16, work out 4-5 times a week, eat healthy and STILL be a size 16 BUT be totally healthy. I have very thin friends who eat crap food, hardly ever a vegetable, never exercise, drink like a fish and because they are thin, it is assumed they are healthier than me. I cry BULLSHIT! on that.
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I am kind of in the same boat and it is hard because you just want the person to be healthy. I agree that the sexual comment was more of a manipulative tool and it may come back and hurt the person who said it. Just helping maintain a healthy lifestyle is more about body type but more so the fact that you want your partner to be around for the long future.
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This is a really touchy subject for me. I am EXTREMELY defensive when it comes to my weight. But my boyfriend will ask me questions and say things like you don’t need to eat that or haven’t gone to the gym today? I immediately assume he’s trying to tell me something. To be honest, I really think I’m at a healthy weight but at the same time can be very insecure about it.
It’s a little frustrating because he’ll also make fun of people that are overweight so in a way I really feel like he has unrealistic expectations of people…..and that leads me to analyze myself. Haha I’m a culprit for extreme over-analyzing!
Yikes, I feel like I’m making him out to be a total ass! He’s honestly not a horrible person!
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I love your well-thought out posts. I have trouble with this stuff because I have loved ones who I would be so happy to see follow (what I consider) a healthier lifestyle. However, it is difficult to try not to sound like a fanatic and to remember that what I consider healthy may not be the best for someone else. I do try to research and learn as much as I can about how I can be healthy while living a reasonable lifestyle (not becoming a fanatic or going to extremes). But I’m neither a doctor, nor can one person (even a doctor) know everything. I just hope that people will see how much I’ve changed for the better, not just with weight management but with mental/emotional clarity and maybe be inspired to make some changes that will be right for them. The linked article was kind of funny and I hope nobody takes it seriously. In my opinion, I would think that for most women, if their significant other does offer to do more with her like taking walks, and helping to eat and cook healthy meals with her, then she is going to feel more like they are going to be spending quality time together rather than she is being attacked for her personal failings (this is only if he follows through on those offers, of course). As for the sexual part of the conversation, it doesn’t belong there at all. Anyway, at least the quality time sounds good for the relationship no matter what. 🙂
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Just read through that ’10 subtle ways’ article. How awful! If my husband ever did stuff like that to me, I’d be tempted to cause him serious physical pain. Guess I could use my crushing fat to suffocate him, right? jk..
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Such an interesting topic..and I agree that people need to have inner motivation to change or they will not stick with it. Challenging situation. We have a family member who is not healthy, drinks, and eats garbage. one conversation proved he has no interest in living his life differently. Its all about choices.
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Funny… Luke & I were just talking about this a little bit last night. He said to me (I kid you not) that when his mother went up to 200 pounds, he would say to her “Wow, so you can still fit through the door eh?” I was shocked .SHOCKED. that he would say that to her. He said that she would then get mad and get on a diet and lose enough of the weight.
I told him that he better not ever say that to me. He said “oh no, you’re fair game now too.” Which is exactly what I was afraid of at the beginning of the relationship. He’s totally in shape. pecs, shoulder muscles, 6 pack, hard thighs and well, I don’t have any of that. So I said, “what if I gain 20 or 30 pounds?” He said “well, that could be fine, I’m talking like you (again, I kid you not) balloon out on the front and sides.” But he said that he doesn’t think I’ll get that way. I said “If I ever get preggo, I might! Never know how my body would take to that.”
Gah. Now I have one more thing to worry about. His views towards me.
I agree. As I was reading the response from the girl at Men’s health I thought to myself.. I hope he doesn’t take it seriously. I do agree that chores around the ouse, cooking and cleaning up and all other chorse have to split, but if a significant other has any problems about with health of their loved ones they should be open and communicative. I am not saying the answer is “you are fat and unhealthy do something about it” but communicate concerns… It is definately a tough touchy topic though, if not presented right and gently it could backfire. Honestly now that I am thinking about it I don’t know how I would tell Raymond if I though he is unhealthy. We do very openly talk about our food and activity goals and do a lot of outdoor activities together so I guess I am lucky that I don’t have to face that problem.
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Very thought provoking post!
My mom and I talk about this all the time. We both married guys who seem to care very little about their health. My mom used to beg my stepdad to eat healthier and exercise but he just blew her off. One day she finally looked at him and said, “Do you want to die?” It sounds harsh, but it was the thing that finally worked.
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hmm… i don’t even know how i’d want someone to address this topic with me. personally, i suspect i’d already be experiencing loads of self-loathing if i was eating so poorly and not exersizing and putting on weight ANYWAY, so if my hubs told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore – even though it would be coming from an honest, trying-to-help place – i probably would, um, not take it well. however, it WOULD probably kick my ass into gear to take the steps i’d been unable to take until then….!
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wow. i read this and immediately emailed elliot. this is what i wrote to him:
“so i found a new blogger and her name is kimberly. she just wrote a post that kind of made me feel better about myself b/c i feel like i’m not the only one who has occasional food issues. she made it sound almost normal and that it is something that happens but it doesn’t define her life and she hopes to get over it at some point. anyway, read below, it really meant something to me. plus she describes/explains binge eating EXACTLY how i experience it, better than i could describe/explain it.”
(and then i pasted the middle part of your post, including where you talk about asking steven if he worked out).
this really made me think b/c elliot has stopped working out and he comments here and there that he wants to get back into it, and he eats like a horse and always has so it is something i wonder/worry about,…
but i definitely don’t say anything because i don’t want to send the wrong message. it is a work in progress that sort of thing. luckily he loves being active so it’s just a matter of finding him opportunities/time. like currently he wants to play basketball, but we don’t have a court or a team or anything like that and pick up is so few and far between. i have planted the idea that he needs to get back into shape before playing basketball anyway b/c he will do so much better with a base level of fitness and he totally agrees. so really i know in the long run we will be fine.
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I think this is a tough issue, especially between spouses. I’m still at the low end of my healthy weight range and my husband has told me before that he thinks I’d be healthier in the long-run if I added some more meat to my bones. That seems very loving and kind to me. However, he’s also said that he thinks he’d like to have more to grab. Hahahaha. When he makes a joke of it like that, I can’t get mad. Now, if he were to say I wasn’t desirable or pretty AS I AM, I would be very hurt, and more likely to restrict my eating (since that’s my typical self-punishment technique). I think the best thing spouses can to do is express care and love and acceptance. If I know my husband accepts me exactly as I am, I’m actually more likely to make positive changes for my health. If he’s pushing me to gain weight or whatever, I tend to get stubborn and resentful, all the while feeling like crap about myself. It’s tricky. Concern can be expressed in so many different ways. A sense of humor doesn’t hurt 🙂
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So telling her that it’s having an impact sexually doesn’t really seem like a good idea to me. I mean it’s good on an honest standpoint… but seriously, that’s just going to make her upset and depressed.
Also, if you’re not going to be honest from the beginning about it, then I don’t think it’d be a good idea to bring it up later because then that’ll just piss her off and make her think “oh so he was just trying to butter me up so he could then tell me that I’m unattractive to him?”
My boyfriend knows that I have never really been comfortable with how I look so he tries to help me out by making an exercise program for me and telling me to write down what I eat. The problem is, we get in HUGE fights when I don’t do it. Like he thinks I need to do the exercises everyday; however, I think that doing it like 5 days out of the week is good enough. Also, I have a horrible memory and honestly forgot to write down my food and it just became such a hassle having to calculate all the calories and everything. I can’t even tell you how many fights we have gotten into about it 🙁
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P.S.- reading those 10 subtle ways…
SABOTAGE HER CHAIR??? are you KIDDING ME????
If you open your mouth to tell your spouse they are too fat, too unhealthy, or too sexually unattractive, your result is not likely to be a trim, fit spouse, but is very likely to be a resentful, angry spouse. I think it is best to encourage good choices and let your spouse know that you care about their health, but not to push them or criticize them. People only make changes when they want to make them for themselves.
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Great post! I can’t believe they actually said that. I liked where the advice was going at the beginning, splitting the work load and such. But I think first you should have a conversation about being concerned and helping change her lifestyle: eat out less together, make cooking fun/healthy, go on a walk together. Hm this is a tough one!
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I clicked over to read that askmen.com thing, and omg it’s terrible! The only tips that are really usable are those where the guy sets the example by talking about and working towards health/weight goals — but as an example to follow, not as a way to shame the girl. Just about all the “tips” were about shaming. Coming from an Asian culture that’s all about leveraging shame (as opposed to Catholics they are all about the guilt — related, but different), I really really really really hate being manipulated indirectly like that.
The hubby and I have bee struggling with weight loss for a long time now… we’ve tried to motivate each other, but oftentimes what works for him doesn’t work for me, and vice versa. Even our strategy of how to use our 7-day free pass of the YMCA facilities tanked because things I want to do, do not appeal to him. Sigh. But we’re still trying. And if nothing else, I’ll be signing up for a Biggest Loser equivalent that’s starting up next year. I really need to start losing weight, feel better about myself, and break free from associating lots of weight with poor self-esteem.
Fun :p
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“!0 Subtle Ways To Tell her She’s Getting Fat” ???– that just made me say “Oh my GAWD” in the airport really loudly. What crap.
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You know what makes me angry about this? That comment from the man didn’t sound even remotely like concern for his wife’s health but instead sounded (to me) like concern about how she might look someday.
My husband used to make little comments when we were first married (after we’d had our first kid) that maybe I should be watching what I eat, etc. etc. What resulted was serious binge eating issues whenever he wasn’t around. I began to have a mentality that if I wanted to eat something, I’d better eat as much of it as I could before he got home so I wouldn’t get criticized. I’m embarrassed even admitting it, but there you have it. My weight would actually go up following comments from him. I think it was really destructive to our relationship, despite his efforts to not hurt my feelings, because to me it always felt like he wouldn’t love me if I gained any weight (not true, but we were young and still learning the ropes of a solid relationship.)
Anyway, he stopped mentioning it and I started feeling comfortable eating normally (most of the time) and my weight stabilized. I actually eat much healthier than him now, but I needed to want it, not feel shamed into it.
I think it is such a touchy issue that many times, unless the partner’s weight is affecting their health, it shouldn’t be mentioned. Nobody will change before they are really truly ready to and at that point, they can ask for support. I know I would love my husband bald and with a potbelly (never happen, though) and I want to feel that he would return the favor.
Sorry for the long reply!
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I am also so defensive about it. Well, more like it goes undiscussed. Poor bf learns more about me from my blog about my ED then I’ve ever told him. I can talk about it with anyone but something about admitting that I binge to my boyfriend has been extremely difficult. As a matter of face, I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about it with him.
Seems like you and Steven are on a great path–exercising, cooking together, etc. We each have our own issues and it’s a fine line between hurting someones feelings and helping them out.
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My husband is a smoker and, due to the nature of his job, often relies on fast food because he can’t bring meals to work. It really worries me considering his father and grandfather both died of massive heart attacks at 52. He has tried to quit smoking repeatedly, but it’s an awful addiction he hasn’t been able to conquer quite yet. The most I feel I can do is encourage him when he does try to quit, make sure he visits a doctor every two years (it’s like pulling teeth with him, seriously) and make good, healthy meals when we eat together.
I agree with everything that’s already been said. You can give a nudge in the right direction, but it’s up to that person to make the change. And I completely agree with you that it can be taken the wrong way when you ask your hubby or boyfriend if they ran or what they ate for lunch. They think you’re checking up on them, but you’re just curious. So touchy!
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Oh, my gosh… that “Top 10” list has steam coming out of my ears. Sabotage her chair? Seriously?!?!
If someone doesn’t want to change, they won’t. It’s one thing to offer opinions and advice if they’re solicited… otherwise, you’re just going to piss people off. And those “subtle” ways? … uh, yeah. So not a good idea.
Wow. A sexual level? That right there would make me want to get a divorce. Because hello, love for a person isn’t supposed to be just physical, it is supposed to be about the person too. Ugh. That sort of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Wanting to help someone get healthy is a difficult and sticky situation because no matter what, I think suggestions, tips, and so forth can be construed so many different ways.
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What a good topic to discuss. I didn’t read all the comments because I can’t bring myself to confront my nephew who I love SO much. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and being a fitness and health fanatic, I wonder if I am just overly concerned.
See, my nephew is only 26 but is very over weight. His diet consists of Wendy’s, sugar, and beer. He has been told by the Doctor he needs to lose weight. Now there’s a hint for him! He is currently layed off work. He sleeps until 2pm after playing computer games all night. Instead of “hoofin'” it, he sends his resume on line.
He is the greatest person in the whole world and I’m not his parent.
I think it has to come down to the person taking care of themselves. No one else will take care of you BUT you. It’s being responsible for yourself and wanting to enjoy life in the healthiest way possible. It’s so sad but really just comes down to putting yourself first and wanting a full life.
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OH MY GOSH – that list?! I couldn’t get through the whole thing because my work computer kicks me off certain sites (grrr – what else am I supposed to do all day? LOL), but the ones I saw were a little upsetting.
This is a VERY touchy subject. I say this because I know from experience; my mom is overweight as well as my oldest sister. It is a subject I feel I can’t bring up without hurting their feelings. But then, my mom is 58 and takes 19 pills a day (she is diabetic, has high BP, etc.). I want to talk to her not about her weight, but her health (which is obviously related to her weight). I want her to be around for a LONG time – but I’m too afraid to tell her I want her to get healthy because I don’t want to make her sad.
I usually think being direct – with a SOFT approach – is the best thing. Some of those things on that list made me LOL! Buy me a smaller size and say “You were that size last summer?” I’d kick your ass, buddy!!! 😉
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Wow – I read that list. You’re right, I think I will be a little pissed off for the rest of the day. If my boyfriend were to follow the advice they gave, he’d find himself suddenly single!
This is a really hard subject. I dont know how I would feel about having my boyfriend bring it up to me. I mean, if Ive put on weight, Im going to know it. I dont think I need anyone reminding me of that.
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I love this post and am looking forward to reading the comments after I make mine. 🙂
Mr. P smokes and I despise it and I have nagged, bitched, pleaded all to no avail. Then I read an article in Good Housekeeping (or something like that) that said to ‘zip it’. Grown people KNOW what is good/bad for them. Take care of yourself and when you want to nag think about the REAL reason behind it–probably is linked to your own shortcomings.
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