“Bad” Gift-Giving and Marital Strain
There was an interesting article about bad gift-giving and how it can be straining on marriages this Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal. I found it humorous, but also, disappointingly sexist – both for men and women.
The article gives the classic examples of “bad” gifts given to wives from their husbands – vacuum cleaners, over-sized sleepwear, cooking pots, golf clubs, etc. Those stories are always good for a laugh or two.
But I felt like the whole article made men sound like thoughtless idiots who don’t listen to their wives, think twice about what they are getting them, or care if they are given a “bad” gift. It made women sound like they are overly emotional about receiving a “bad” gift, elusive about what they want, and the perfect gift givers.
Well, I always say “stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason,” but come on*. I know this isn’t true in our relationship. Since we’ve been together (7 years) I have not been able to get Steven the “perfect” holiday** gift. First it was an XBox. Then a printer. Specialty items for the Saab. A nice watch. A Garmin. So on and so forth. Run-of-the-mill things. How do we measure the worth of a gift? By the excitement of the person opening it? By how much they use it? How much they talk about it? If they thank you?
Steven has given me amazing, thoughtful gifts. Probably the most amazing was the first thing he ever gave me – a handmade box for holding my drawing pencils. He made that!
So, I am not anti gift-giving or saying I am awful at giving gifts, but… maybe it’s not all that important, in the long run. Maybe it’s not something worth getting upset about. Maybe we should just be excited when someone was thoughtful and generous enough to get us something. You can tell when it is sincere and from the heart, not matter how good or “bad” it is.
What do you think? Are these gift-giving stereotypes true?
*I would love to see this article include some examples of same-sex relationships as well. I wonder what the gift-giving stereotypes are there.
**Steven, it doesn’t help that your birthday is THREE days before Christmas!
Themocracy
I have a hard time figuring out what to get my husband because he is just not that into “stuff”, he prefers to read books he’s borrowed from the library, same with CD’s, etc, so we usually end up getting him practical stuff like socks, handkerchiefs, dress shirts. Blah!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Christmas Card Run 2009 =-.
My husband is the hardest person to buy for he never wants anything! There are lots of things he needs because he won’t buy himself clothes or shoes. But there is never anything he wants. And like you, his birthday is only a couple days before Christmas! On the flip side, he is an excellent gift giver. He really pays attention when I say I like something…even if I say it in July!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Just Checking in! =-.
I’ve certainly known people who complain about gifts they receive. One would say “that gift is for the house, not for me!” But overall I think everyone is different. There have been many times when I’ve really wanted, appreciated and enjoyed a gift that could be construed as not personal enough ie: a lamp, an appliance, etc.
To me the hardest part of gift giving is coming up with something for someone with absolutely no hobbies…that is tough.
BTW that pencil box is awesome!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Hot Yoga Top Revealed =-.
Chris’s birthday is 2 days after Christmas! It makes it tough… although this year the whole friend-flying out thing worked out. And not that I should have to prove that the stereotypes in that study are ridiculous, but he is so good at getting me gifts that I love – because he listens. And let’s just say if I got some new cookware or a food processor I wouldn’t be at all disappointed 😉
.-= Author’s last blog post… Tick tock, you’re not a clock you’re a time bomb baby a time bomb baby =-.
Yeah, that’s a terrible article! It sounds like it was written in the 1950s. This part annoyed me the most:
“If I ask my husband what he wants for the holidays, he will say “nothing” and mean it. If he asks me, I will say “nothing,” as well. And God help him if he believes me.”
Why don’t you tell him what the F you want? Speaking of same sex partners, I have a close friend who has that issue in his relationship, that his boyfriend thinks my friend should just “know” what he wants as proof of how much he loves him.
We tend to give each other suggestions, but my husband is also a very generous gift giver and he likes to buy me clothes! And he has great taste.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Jingle Bell Walk: My First 5K =-.
That article is funny. I always say my husband and I have reversed stereotypical roles sometimes. He’s the one who doesn’t say what he wants (with things other than presents too) and I am always thinking/saying “just tell me what you want so I can do it”. If I want something, I say it. If he wants something, he drops very subtle hints that are sometimes almost impossible to understand.
One year he got me the most thoughtful gift and it is probably the best gift I have ever been given. We had been joking around about mix tapes and then he gave me a “mix CD” full of songs but the part that made it super thoughtful is that they are all songs that make him think of me, and then he wrote out a note of WHY the songs make him think of me. I doubt if that gift will ever be topped.
Interestingly enough I feel the exact same way about Valentines Day (which we try our best to ignore). It makes women seem like materialistic bitches and guys dolts who just go out and buy whatever they can so their chick doesn’t get mad at them. I can’t stand it.
I honestly love gift giving and think I’m pretty good at it. I agree with your statements though and have found that the best gifts are those that are made. Unfortunately for me I have no creative skill at all unless we count cooking (and I totally do!).
.-= Author’s last blog post… Tuesday Tip: Gifts and stocking stuffers 2009 =-.
i officially LOVE your blog. you talk about things i really want to read about! 🙂
first of all– elliot’s bday is a month after christmas, so not quite in the 3-day range, but i still feel like it’s close. what i do is just get him a bunch of presents, everything i want to get him, and give him some of them for xmas and some for his bday. i try to group them in a way that makes sense.
second of all– guys need more credit. the idea of “bad” gift giving is kind of disheartening. i would like to think that all gifts are good, just some recipients might have unrealistic expectations or don’t see the beauty in what they have been given. yeah elliot has given me some things that aren’t as memorable as other things, but he does listen… i told him at one point i just really wanted a necklace i could wear and think of him, … and a year went by and i thought well he prolly won’t get me one… but then he gave me a really pretty blue gem necklace for our anniversary. and of course the garmin. i think the garmin means i will be happy for the rest of my life with whatever he gets me or doesn’t get me 🙂
also– we are very in tune to each other and what we might need or want. and we are thoughtful. i love giving gifts b/c it gives me a chance to show someone that i know them! and have been paying attention.
anyway… thought provoking.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Spur of the Moment Christmas Tree and In Search of Dessert. =-.
I think that as we get older, gifts should take a back seat to the bigger picture-which may vary from family to family. The gifts I’m getting for Len this year are things he actually needs. I hate wasteful gifts. To me, the best gifts are those that you need but wouldn’t necessarily spend money on for yourself.
I love those stories about women getting blenders and ironing boards but I’m sure there are many stories of women giving men nice pens, and ties. It probably balances each other out.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Dress warm today! =-.
My though is that most guys like practicality over the frivolous. but it all comes down to expectations. My husband and I give each other lists some of what we want others what we need and we tend to buy a little of each.
I love my kitchen aid mixer he got me one year and carved earrings the next. It is the though that counts.
I would be thrilled with a dyson vacuum this year. Weird but that is what I want/need.
.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Christmas Calm =-.
Please remind me to tell you the story of the Bra Balls. Jason was so pleased with himself and I just shook my head. I suppose that I do have high expectations for gifts but giving gifts is one of my love languages. He did make up for the Bra Balls later, though, by getting me my Garmin last year. I literally cried when I opened it.
What drives me CRAZY though, is that I will tell Jason exactly what I want….but then he rarely does it. I suppose I should hang on to the times that he does and ignore the times that he doesn’t.
Jason, on the other hand, rarely wants anything. This year he’s getting long underwear 🙂
.-= Author’s last blog post… Oh Christmas Nine! =-.
oh my gosh, that box is GORGEOUS!! steven is such a craftsman!
i’m pretty crappy at gift giving. i feel terrible because a lot of people in my life ARE wonderful at it, and i get tons of really great gifts, and i’m all “here’s a scarf! that i knitted. uh.. sorry about the irregularities. but it’s from the heart!” and they pretend to be grateful and like it ;-P
.-= Author’s last blog post… update! i have not been offed by the mob! =-.
I put much thought into the gifts I give- sometimes they cost a lot and sometimes they are homade. To me, the cliche is true…it is the thought that counts. And as far as what I get- I just want to be thought of, ya know.
As for V-day, I also ignore it! I would rather get roses on a random Tuesday “just because” than on a holiday that is all propaganda.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Three Things Tuesday- Holiday Edition =-.
Wow, what a beautiful and thoughtful gift! Steven is really a winner–a chef, a running buddy, a craftsman!
I think I’m a pretty decent gift-giver, if only because I try to put a lot of thought into it. Harrison is also good because he tries to listen when I say “I need___” or “I’d really like ____.” Hence why I have received some non-conventional but thoughtful presents over the years (new headphones, a nice pillow, a beta fish, “Pictionary”, “High School Musical” on DVD, etc.) I guess by that articles standards, those are “bad” gifts…so whatever. 😀
.-= Author’s last blog post… The weather outside is frightful. =-.
I do kind of feel like women care more than guys do and get more emotional about it. We tend to read more into the gifts and try to make a bigger deal out of whatever we get. It’s weird to look at what my mom gives my sisters and me compared to what my dad gives us because it’s sooooo different. My mom usually gives us presents that we are going to be really excited about but not necessarily use forever (like clothes) and my dad gives us functional presents that are going to last either forever or at least a really long time (last year he gave each of us duvet comforters)
That is such a gorgeous pencil box! It looks professionally made!
This is one of my biggest societal pet peeves. I call it the “Everybody Loves Raymond” effect. There seems to be this trend in portraying men as idiots who are totally clueless if not guided by their wives, who kiss them lovingly, then turn the other way and roll their eyes. I see it all the time on TV, in commercials, etc. I can’t figure out what this is about. Maybe it’s designed to appeal to wives who want to be validated in their annoyances. Maybe it’s supposed to perpetuate the stereotype of men being inept with household things. I don’t know, but I don’t think it makes marriage seem like a partnership. I consider my husband to be my partner. Even if I choose to do the cooking or the laundry or whatever else, it’s not because I feel like he’s incapable. And I know he would do it happily. I think respect goes both ways — seeing each other as totally competent. If you see a guy as inept, he’ll probably be inept.
I do not think gift giving (good or bad) is limited by sex. I remember growing up, we got my mom an iron for Mother’s Day. It was the last time we (i.e., my dad) was ever so thoughtless about getting a gift (boy, did we all hear it from her). In the same breath, a certain sister-in-law who will remain nameless is also terrible at giving gifts. I think one of the gifts I’ve gotten from her over the years still resides in our house.
The key to gift giving is a little thought. Think about who the person is, what they like, etc. Listen to what they talk about, what they like to do, what they want. And it becomes pretty darn easy to give gifts (unless we’re talking about the person who has everything they want/need – that’s entirely a different story!).
.-= Author’s last blog post… Measuring =-.
Seeeeeeee I actually want a new vacuum cleaner but the fiance refuses to get me one as a gift because he doesnt want me to throw it in his face 10 years from now. “Remember the year you gave me a vacuum cleaner….A$$HOLE.” But that so isnt how I’d handle it. This year we are getting each other snorkel gear to use on our honeymoon and in the future. It doesnt feel like the “perfect” holiday gift, but he’s just so hard to shop for!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Uh oh… =-.
I am probably the last person who should be answering this question, considering I buy very few gifts during the year and almost always ask the recipient for suggestions, but I’ll give it a whirl. I agree that stereotypes become stereotypes for a reason and that there are plenty of bad gifts given from one SO to another, but I also think our country is evolving into something better. I think now, more than ever, there are many relationships in which partners are equal and see each other more as friends that just spouses. I think how you view your mate has a lot to do with how successful you’ll be at buying them a gift they’ll love. If you are best friends, chances are you know your mate well and will get them something they will love, use and cherish.
My co-workers and I were just talking about this at lunch. Some years its easy for me to come up with a good gift that people will like. I just think its the thought that counts. Whether is males or females its all about listening and putting effort in. Thats all that really matters to me!
I am with you… I have bought some ok things for Raymond for Christmas. When we started dating all I could think of was WVU items since he LOVES his undergrad school so much.. over the years, I do my best but I feel like it is not that ONE perfect gift… but every year for my Birthday or Christmas he just amazes me with the thought and effort he has put into the gift that he has given me. I always think that he knows me better than I konw myself.
Is your husbands on the 22nd? Raymond’s birthday is on the 23rd. He will be 30 and starting tomorrow I am doing 7 days of celebrating Raymond ending with a big surprise shebang on his brithday 🙂
.-= Author’s last blog post… More about food =-.
i’m often giving my husband things i think i’d like to see him have that he won’t buy for himself (nice pj’s, for example) and he often buys me things that he really wants (like video games)
.-= Author’s last blog post… Lynn – Hijacked! =-.
What sucks for me this year is trying to get something for a guy that I only recently started dating a few months ago. I feel like I barely know him and yet I’m supposed to find something good?! He’s not into all the gadgety stuff of running, yet I still got him a heart rate monitor. Luckily, we were talking about heart rate the other day, so maybe he’ll at least find it interesting?? At least I’m hoping so…
That box Steven made is beautiful!
I don’t really think those stereotypes hold up. My husband is usually more thoughtful with gifts than I am, even if his efforts are unsuccessful.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Randomness =-.
Wow– that box is amazing! I’m so impressed that your hub made that!
My husband is so hard to buy for…he just can never think of anything that he wants! I got him a tent for his birthday last year, and that was a pretty big hit, plus we’ve gotten a lot of use out of it. He definitely likes practical gifts (and I am very much in love with the non-practical ones 🙂 )
.-= Author’s last blog post… A Good Egg =-.
my hubby is the king of bad gifts. And honestly, if I get another bad gift this year there is gonna be some “marital strain” 😉
My husband is the king of amazing presents . Which means, right now, I will not get what I really want: A vacuum cleaner!
The one we have sucks. Erm, doesn’t suck. You know. And it makes me crazy.
Still, whatever I do get will be cherished.
But it won’t suck!
My boyfriend has only ever messed up with a gift once. And I hate even saying that because Im all about the thought. Ive always believed that if someone is nice enough to buy you something, you pretend to love it even if you dont. Giving is half the fun, and who am I to take that away from them?
The “bad” gift, was actually very thoughtful, and I felt horrible about throwing a fit over it. Which I did. He took me away for my birthday weekend. But then invited HIS friends. Not my friends. His. I was super upset about it. But he thought he was doing something so wonderful, and was so proud of himself, and I ruined that for him. I still feel bad about it.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Lessons Learned =-.
I think what makes a good gift is the amount of effort someone put into it, if they’re really excited to give it to you and they think its something you’ll like. That’s what makes gift exchange fun. I usually get more excited about what I give than what I get.
.-= Author’s last blog post… DONE!! =-.
My last boyfriend was a horrible gift giver but that’s because he’s a narcissist and only thinks of himself. But! I have had awesome male gift givers- so thoughtful and generous. I love the handmade stuff or the experiential gifts. I like knowing someone that cares about me cared enough to pay attention to who I am and thought about what I would like. I don’t buy into the gender stereotype at all.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Protected: Why I Almost Punched Someone In The Face Yesterday =-.
Wow, that box he made is gorgeous! I have a hard time buying things my family will enjoy unless they start to give me ideas, then I’m okay! My mom is the hardest to buy for, though.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Money Madness =-.