Unfair expectations, unfair reactions
More and more, it’s become aware to me how many people (myself included) will treat the same situation differently, depending on who is involved. I know, I know, it’s obvious. I guess what I should say is, it has become more aware as to how UNFAIR it is. Why give one person leeway when you won’t to another?
I’ll give you an example (I wish I could give you my really good ones, but it wouldn’t be appropriate). In college, one of my close friends NEVER answered my calls or texts. NEVER! I had to wait for her to call me. If anyone else did that to me (now, then, ever) it would piss me off to no end, and I would just quit trying to communicate with them. But with her, for some reason, I didn’t really care.*
I still notice myself doing this now. If person A does X, I get more upset than if person B does X. And in the future, I may act differently around person A entirely.
I think I do this because I subconsciously evaluate who I think people are in my head, then expect them to act a certain way. Here’s another example – my mother is often late… so I’ve come to expect that as part of her character. Now, if anyone else is late? Boy, I am not happy.
It’s not fair to expect people to act a certain way or do a certain thing, especially if you don’t have the opportunity to talk to them about it. Everyone gets to live life their own way, and dealing with different types of people is part of the fun (right… right?).
Of course, there’s more to it than all this. Sometimes it’s better to expect more of someone (like in a work situation) so they improve. Sometimes the reason you treat someone differently is because there is a history between you or some sort of communication breakdown.
But sometimes, it’s just because you’re being unreasonable.
Do you do this? Has it happened to you? It has certainly happened to me – that is what inspired me to write this. I kind of had an “Aha!” moment today. But I can’t be too upset about it, because I do it myself!
(And just so you know, I’m talking about people I’ve had multiple encounters with here, not people I’ve just met.)
P.S. Does this make ANY sense?
*Actually, there were a lot of things about her that bothered me, but we had the most fun together. I think it is because when something bothered me about her, I just told her (Like her gum smacking, hated it. I made her spit out her gum when she was in my house if she couldn’t close her mouth. Bitchy much?), and she did the same for me.
Themocracy
I definitely don’t fully agree that we should have the same expectations of everyone. Each person is in your life for a different reason. They bring different things to the table. And therefore we naturally expect different things from them.
You wouldn’t care if your boss was a good parent at home, so long as they’re a good boss at work. Yet, you’d be livid if your mom wasn’t a good mom to you. Right?
We can make general expectations of those around us, but I think it’s completely natural and sometimes absolutely necessary to bend those rules to fit certain situations.
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I actually had a friendship termination over this very thing. I had a very high maintenance friend. She would FREAK on me for crazy stuff all the time, and if others would do the same stuff she would act like it was no big deal (though I knew she was dying to rip them a new one). I finally called her out on it and she basically explained that it was because I was “such a good friend” that she “expected so much of me”. I think she also let her guard down with me and thought it was ok to boss me around and tell me off. In the end, we actually “broke up” over a Justin Timberlake concert. Seriously. Because I didnt invite her to go. There were obviously other reasons … essentially I realized I was giving someone who was very mean to me a break all of the time because I thought thats just how it was 🙂
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I think its normal to put different expectations on different people based on where they are in our lives. Fiance does stuff all of the time that if ANYONE else did them, I’d probably get frustrated, but I know those things are just how he is. My Mom can say things that at first sound critical, but in reality are just her trying to be honest with me. If a friend said the same thing, I might get irked at them (depending on the friend of course!)
In younger years, I think I put up with a lot more from people that I thought I had to have in my life, perhaps they were long time friends, perhaps they were someone that I wanted to fit in with, etc. I’ve started to cut out people from my life that cause too much drama, that really dont really high on my list of people to inform of important events (if that makes any sense!)
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I’m a pretty unreasonable person, so it comes as no surprise to me that I do this. I also put up with a lot of people’s crap (especially if it’s a good friend) whereas I won’t listen to other people’s whining for very long.
I think it all boils down to how you evaluate and interact with the world around you, as stupid-philosophical crappy as that sounds. I’m much more willing to put up with one person’s faults if I have something invested in the relationship, perhaps because I know that if it really started to bug me, I could say something nicely about it.
And I’m basically just a hypocrite.
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My mom and I had a similar conversation about this on Saturday in reference to my brother. My twin can get away with letting himself in our house, taking our food, or whatever silly thing he does. But if someone else were to try something like that they would get a serious smack down. My bro can do no wrong in my eyes, and if he does get to me, the annoyance doesn’t last too long.
I love how contemplative your posts are making me!
I definitely expect certain things from certain people and get thrown when they change it up.
There are things that the people I love do that I let them get away with because I love them, but if someone else were to do the same, I would get upset with them.
I think it would be a lonely place if we didn’t do these things, because otherwise there would be a reason to stop talking to a lot of people. Heck I probably wouldn’t be friends with myself anymore!
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I don’t have the same expectations for everyone. I have some fundamental ones- like don’t be a douchebag and hold the door- but overall I don’t treat everyone the same. It can work for or against a person, that is for sure!
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I definitely think it’s natural to treat people on a case-by-case basis. Just like in “Meet the Parents,” a lot depends on whether a person is in the Inner Circle or not. There are people who try to be buddy-buddy with me when they’re not really my close friends, and I get all prickly. “Seriously, we’re not close enough for you to joke like that.”
There are also people that we sort of write off as screwups, and we expect them to screw up and we don’t get too upset about it. That is definitely not a compliment! So if the situation you’re upset about is someone expecting more from you than another person of similar rank, I think maybe you should feel good about that.
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P.S. Love the new picture — is Data getting ready to go for a Sunday drive?
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It’s funny that you mention this. Over the weekend I connected with an old friend of mine I hadn’t talked to in a very long time, in part because her need for drama in the past and general flakiness drove me a little crazy.
But, this time I was sort of able to categorize her in my mind as “A fun friend to go out with once in awhile” and it sort of put all my expectations by the wayside. Which was refreshing. And we DID have fun going out. I think I need to do that more often with people. 🙂
Do you and I have the same mom?
I know EXACTLY what you’re saying! I have a girl friend I refer to as “the backer-outer” (not grammatically correct, but it fits). She is always cancelling plans, and I really don’t think she’s lying because it’s always something huge: car accident, grandma in the hospital, kidney stones). It used to bother me, but I’ve accepted it now.
I guess this just really makes me think….what do people expect out of me? I know it’s not always a bright, sunny disposition. 🙂
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I know exactly what you’re talking about and, for me anyway, it stems back to my family. My mom had no problem getting mad at someone in her family for something that they did wrong, but if someone on the outside did the exact same thing or worse, she would only fume about it in private. I think it’s nearly impossible to hold people to the same set of standards across the board. It could be something like a familial relationship or perceived authority status or just personal favoritism that keeps you from treating everyone the same. It’s just kinda how it is.
I did interpret what you were talking about correctly, right?
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I think that’s pretty natural. Each relationship is unique, so it makes sense to have slightly varying expectations for each person. I think as long as it isn’t completely extreme, or you’re not allowing anyone to walk all over you/treat you poorly, it’s fine 🙂
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