It’s not that I “don’t drink”
A coworker was politely and continually inviting me to social work events that focused around drinking alcohol (Happy Hour, Booze Cruise, etc.). I continually, and politely, declined the invitations, because social drinking is not my idea of fun, and most of the after-work engagements would have me getting home after 10:00 at night.
This back-and-forth invite and decline situation continued until I found out I would be going on travel with this coworker for training, and she began mentioning hitting the bars after class. That is when I told her, “Drinking is not my idea of fun. I also don’t enjoy hanging out in big groups of people, which is why I haven’t been going to the work socials and probably won’t want to go out to the bars after class while on travel.”
I thought she understood what I was saying – that I don’t think of drinking as an “activity” or way of having fun. But I think she really took it as “I never drink. I am opposed to drinking. I am anti-alcohol.”
This came to my attention when she acted nervous buying beer at dinner (while on travel) around me. And when she seemed ashamed to want to go to Trader Joe’s and buy a 6-pack of beer. And when she timidly asked if I would mind if she brought a beer to my hotel room to drink while we watched TV.
Then yesterday, we were talking about Facebook (which inspired tomorrow’s Friday Question), and I said, “It’s not like I have any drunken pictures of myself on there*.
“Of course you don’t,” she replied. “You don’t drink.”
“It’s not that I don’t drink,” I said, “It’s that I don’t drink for fun.”
“Oh, so you drink to get drunk?” she was completely serious.
“No, I just don’t view it as an “activity.”
“Well, I don’t either.” She seemed offended.**
I was with another coworker, and we started talking about having a glass of wine now and then. For me, “now and then” is probably 4 times a year, tops. But, I have proof below! My mom, grandma and I had “wine-a-ritas” on my birthday this year. I am not opposed to drinking. One coworker seemed to get that. I am not sure why the other doesn’t.
Some people I work with drink every night. They come in smelling like alcohol. The coworker I am talking about does not do that, but she does stay out late on the weekends, drinking in the bars, from time to time. There is nothing wrong with that! It is just not something I desire to do. I try telling her that, but all she hears is “I don’t drink.” Is it even worth talking about? It’s not causing any problems in our relationship, I just get the feeling she thinks I am judging her. I’m not. We’re just different.
*This will make more sense tomorrow.
**It’s a big pet peeve of mine when people post long dialogue in their posts. Sorry.
Themocracy
I totally get what you’re saying here. I’ve given up most drinking so that I can finally take this weight off and it’s really opened my eyes to how much people drink just to drink. I’ve never been one to shy away from alcohol but I don’t view drinking as a nightly thing and the thought of a booze cruise scares me!
I have the exact same outlook on drinking, and I agree–it is SO hard to get people to understand. Usually, I just say something like, “Meh, I don’t want the extra calories” and then hope people shut up. In my case, I’m not opposed to drinking, but I’m not really a fan of most alcohol tastes.
Blech, why don’t people understand us, Kim? Let’s just go drown our sorrows in, not alcohol, but falafel and homemade chips!
Imagine working for a beer company and not being much of a drinker! Ha!
Obviously I am not anti-alcohol, but I don’t like drinking as an activity either. I’ll have drinks at a party or whatever, but not a fan of the drinking just to drink. And yeah, the cost and calories could be better spent elsewhere. Plus my tolerance is so low it’s embarrassing!
I totally understand this. I think we talked about it before (right?) and we are definitely on the same page with this. I don’t judge people who do go out to bars and drink as an activity, but that isn’t my thing. Like I don’t like chocolate ice cream but I don’t judge people who do. I don’t NOT drink, I just don’t make a point TO drink. I totally agree/relate to this, especially the part about people then thinking you don’t drink and are possibly judging them for drinking.
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I think this is more about her being defensive about how much she drinks, and taking what you said as a criticism because she thinks (you think) she has a problem. Does that make sense? In any case, she’s putting emotional spin on something that doesn’t have any. Maybe you should go to one of these social/work things and drink diet Coke and see what happens. 😉
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Your not alone. I don’t drink much anymore. It’s not that I’m opposed, I don’t like the taste of most alcohols and I hate the feeling the next morning after you’ve had too much. On occasion I’ll drink a few but mostly if I do drink, it’s just one with dinner or something and I don’t usually finish that one. I think as we get older the people that we associate with will be more undrstanding. Most of the people that are our ages are still in that frame of mind.
I actually think it would be weird to buy a 6-pack while traveling for work, but I’ve never been much of a drinker either. I like a glass of wine or a beer with a meal. I only rarely drink the hard stuff.
I really think your co-woeker’s defensiveness seems more about her than you. But she was probably just trying to make you feel included by inviting you to the social stuff.
.-= Author’s last blog post… The Biggest Loser Week 4: Ordering In =-.
I learned my lesson and rarely have more than one glass of wine at work events. I have seen the effects as well as had some killer hangovers. I don’t drink as much as Iused to, every now and then but it helps that I don’t like beer so that drastically reduces my choices at times.
Other than college (and we’re not ever going to discuss that), I have always been a light drinker. I might have one beer or drink here and there. But, generally not more than that. On the other hand, I do like to socialize. So, I found a happy medium where I’m fine in bars with friends nursing my one beer and then drinking water the rest of the night. Ever since Sweets and I got serious, I can’t tell you how many people have raised an eyebrow thinking I’m pregnant. hahaha. Nothing of the sort!
This has actually been a bit of a battle for me…I don’t drink much except for special occassions like a birthday or when someone is in town visiting me and we go out to dinner. I’m kind of in between you and your coworker. When I do drink I’ll usually have wine or a vodka cranberry depending on the situation. Then when I go to a drinking sort of function (like the raft race) and have more than 2 or 3 drinks in a short span I am usually toast.
I don’t really like the taste of most alcohol (with the exception of wine and things that end up not tasting like alcohol) so I don’t really feel inclined to spend my money and calories that way.
Anyways, I understand where you are coming from. I don’t like people to think that I am against drinking (definitely am not) I am just more selective with my drinking than a lot of people my age.
Well I hope you get that whole thing sorted out, it’s never nice to have someone thinking you are judging them.
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I think Cat got it exactly right! This woman is a heavy drinker and she wants you to drink too to validate that her behavior is normal. I go to lots of conferences for work and I’ve never heard of someone picking up a six-pack to drink by themselves in the hotel! Your choices are fine; it’s her problem.
I used to LOVE to drink when I was in my teens and twenties. As I got older I stopped liking the way it made me feel, as well as the calories and the impact it had on exercise the next day. Most of my friends also naturally cut down to the occasional glass of wine at a restaurant or cocktails at a party. The ones who didn’t turned out to be alcoholics.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Getting Better, D.C. Trip, Biggest Loser =-.
I soooo understand and agree. I don’t drink either (although there was a time in my earlier years . . .) however, being from a Mormon state, most people assume I’m Mormon if I say I don’t drink. So my official statement on alcohol is: “I don’t drink but I fully support the right of others to do so if they so choose”.
As you know, I just don’t think it’s entertaining to drink. If it sounds like the taste of a drink will go well with what I am eating, I may get something – but that rarely happens.
What’s going to make sense tomorrow? I can’t wait! The suspense is killing me!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Whichever way the wind blows… =-.
I enjoy a glass or two of wine a night with my husband to unwind. It’s a personal decision but not one that you should judge anyone on. Long ago I gave up going to the bars and doing shots and getting drunk. I guess we have better things to do!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Living It Up Over Here =-.
i don’t know that your coworker has a problem and is defensive about it… i AM a pretty heavy drinker (eg, i go to a lot of happy hours, drink wine with dinner often, etc.) and i can tell you that a lot of people who DON’T drink are, in fact, pretty judgy of those of us who choose to enjoy Teh Alcohols. so i don’t necessarily know if this is “her problem” and she’s being defensive because she has issues; i know i feel SUPER SUPER self-conscious when i’m around light drinkers because i’ve been “shamed” for my level of consumption so many times.
that being said… everyone should stop caring about what everyone else is drinking, and drink what they want 🙂
.-= Author’s last blog post… the good life =-.
(I had a looooooong comment then decided I didn’t want to hijack this space, LoL!)
Just stick to your guns, Kim.. it looks to me like that co-worker is projecting some sort of judgmental behaviour on you, perhaps as a result of her own guilt, or fear, of her drinking habits.
I’ve pretty much stopped drinking, myself, apart from the occasional social Long Island Iced Tea, vodka tonic or wine (the number of times/glasses I’ve consumed them this year? less than 10, perhaps around 5) if I feel like it. The “buzz” doesn’t appeal to me anymore; besides, alcohol’s effects on the liver impact the quality of meditation! My in-laws, whose social life seems to revolve around booze, had a difficult time adjusting to my going ‘dry’ — they were convinced I was pregnant (“why else would a woman not drink?”) or sick. Nowadays it’s a common sight to have me arrive at a family function with a few cans of Coke Zero to nurse while everyone else sucks on wine or martinis.
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I enjoy having a glass of wine or a beer with dinner when I don’t plan to run in the morning. I will get an alcoholic beverage when I’m out to dinner if I’m not driving. But I HATE being the only person drinking. I always feel as though I’m being judged even if I’m not. So, if no one else orders anything alcoholic then I won’t either. That being said, I don’t usually enjoy going somewhere with the express purpose of drinking. Especially not with a group of strangers! If I’m hanging out with friends and we happen to bust out the alcohol and have some drinks, that’s cool. However, I never push alcohol on other people or ask them why they’re not drinking. I just figure they either don’t drink, aren’t interested in drinking that particular evening, or there isn’t something available that they like.
.-= Author’s last blog post… PITA =-.
I only went through about a year and a half of my life when I thought drinking was an activity. Most college get togethers are revolved around…show up, pay $3, drink whatever you want! With friends. I’d rather get together and play games (not drinking games…although they can be fun too) or watch a movie or whatever. This is probably one of the reasons why I didn’t last long in a sorority! I’m not really a huge fan of alcohol…I don’t really like the way it makes me feel anymore and I don’t like the taste of much of it. Plus the calories always get to me. I don’t really care if people drink or not…don’t judge me, and I won’t judge you! That’s my opinion.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Clearing My Mind: A Realization =-.
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been invited to things that I know only exist for the purpose of boozing it up. Because I decline, people assume I don’t drink. I enjoy a glass of wine now and then!
.-= Author’s last blog post… Catching Up =-.
Former party/drinker chiming in here. 🙂
I never drank a lot (as in, multiple days of the week), but when I did I drank a LARGE quantity. Something happened (which I’ll probably write about on my blog at some point) that made me stop – not completely, but I might drink once a month now or so. Most of my friends are married with kids, and don’t drink, either. My single friends, however, can put down the liquor!
I would never, ever judge someone because they don’t drink. That’s so silly! Nor do I judge people when they DO drink. The only time I might is when they do it a LOT and they have kids to take care of. But even then, I’m not one to cast the first stone! Lord knows I have plenty of things I’m sure I’m doing wrong.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Running Hiatus =-.
*Um…I meant former “Partier” – not “Party.” 🙂
.-= Author’s last blog post… Running Hiatus =-.
I’m with you!!! I don’t have the urge to drink and I just don’t want to waste precious Cookie Calories on a drink!
I have this issue a lot–I work in an atmosphere where Happy Hour is a fairly regular occurence, sometimes starting in the office around 3:00pm. I just don’t like to drink-I don’t enjoy it, I don’t need it.
And I grew up around an alcoholic father and don’t want to subject my son to that.
AND one time my sister told me I’m more fun when I’ve been drinking and now I refuse to drink around her at all!
Ugh..people….
I’m in a similar boat as Hilly- I’ve noticed how much socializing revolves around drinking now that I’ve cut it so much out of my life while trying to lose weight. People get WEIRD when you say you aren’t drinking. I hope I never make people feel weird for not boozing. I mean, I like alcohol and enjoy going out for happy hour with friends or having a glass of wine with dinner, but it doesn’t define a good time. I’m no longer in my 20s so that shit don’t fly!
.-= Author’s last blog post… The Difference Between Existing and Living =-.
I think some people have a hard time seeing multiple levels of how other’s live their lives. They see things more in a black & white. Either you do or you don’t. Either it’s no drinks or 20 drinks. There’s no middle ground for some of these people.
It’s as if they don’t think anyone else can have different rules for themselves that don’t blanketly apply to everyone else.
I go out once or twice a week for a few drinks with friends and when I only stay for 30 mins for one drink, people know that. They also understand that there are times when I may stay for 2-3 hours and have a few more drinks. It all depends on what I have to do, when I am spending time with my wife and family. There are times when it’s 3 weeks that I do drink or go out at all.
So I understand the idea that someone can actually manage and moderate their activities and drinking to their own way.
Why others can’t, I don’t know the answer to that. Sure would be nice if they could. Would make life easier for everyone else.
.-= Author’s last blog post… Scooter Sunday – Season 2 Ep. 13 =-.
I totally like to drink as an activity. I guess that is sort of lame at my age, but I love to go to the bar, play trivia, drink beers and talk with my friends. I really didn’t get my 20’s because I was being a mom, so maybe I am just having them now?
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