Just as guilty
Not really sure where this is coming from… but it’s been on my mind for awhile.
Have you ever had someone withhold important information from you, and later found out, either because they finally told you, or you heard it somewhere else*? They aren’t lying, but when you find out, your first reaction almost always ends up being “why didn’t you tell me sooner (or when it happened)?” and you’re not really able to process the information as you naturally would, because you feel somewhat betrayed.
I think part of this may be a personality thing, but it just baffles me, because I have the type of personality where I will talk to almost anyone about almost anything. Not much is taboo with me. As long as the person is non-judgmental, I’m an open book. I like to share.
BUT. I learned something new about myself last year – there are people in my life I don’t feel comfortable sharing my full self with, because of their judgment. It only takes so many ill reactions to teach me to be a different version of myself around certain people. And I find myself doing the thing I most despise – not sharing important details and news, because I don’t want to deal with a reaction to it. Or maybe still presenting the details and news, but in a manner different than I would with someone I feel more comfortable around.
Doing this makes you feel secretive and protective of your personal information. You become defensive of everything you think, say or do. You feel uncomfortable and on edge. Yuck.
So. Could I be any more vague? Basically, I feel really upset when someone feels like they can’t tell me something important, and I often think it is just because they are an inconsiderate person. But here I am, doing it on purpose. I’ve tried to make these instances two separate things in my head, to justify what I am doing, but I can’t. It’s the same thing. It happens so infrequently that I rarely think about it, but it’s still there.
So yeah. I have nothing to say (And I didn’t even get into wanting to share information but having to withhold it because it’s not yours to share. Ugh.).
In this instance, I am talking about your personal life, but I know it happens at work too.
Themocracy
Yes. What kills me are the people who withhold something very relevant to your interaction and then when you find out (via unwitting 3rd parties usually) they act like it’s your fault because you didn’t specifically ask them about it. Or the ones who deliberately lie–perhaps in an attempt to not hurt your feelings– only to be found out later, losing more credibility than if they’d been honest.
Am I guilty of lies of omission? Not the same sort, but in some cases, yes. There are no big ones left anymore though, at least that are mine to share.
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Hm, I’m not sure that I withhold much information from anyone, though I do leave things out on my blog.
I hope the air clears soon!
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I tend to say TOO much but I get what you’re saying about people withholding information. I’ve had that experience a few too many times lately and it’s driving me insane. It’s actually really effected my ability to trust.
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I think, sometimes, that things like Facebook make it worse. I mean, sometimes I see my friends commenting on another friend’s wall and I don’t know what they’re talking about and I think, “Why didn’t you tell me about that? I thought we were friends.”
I don’t know if that’s really the same thing as you’re saying, but I guess I’m trying to say I totally know what you mean.
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This is always a tough thing for me to make decisions about. I hate not being able to tell people things, but there are definitely people that I censor myself around.
I agree with Erin that technology has made things worse.
I’ve actually been called out on a few occassions for posting things in a blog post that I haven’t told someone…mostly just details about what I’m going to do on a certain day. It’s never that I’m purposely trying not to tell someone, sometimes I just forget…Stupid technology
Anyways, I understand your frustration!
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Welcome to my office! :-/ I would call intentional omission a form of lying. Consider the legal oath: one must tell 3 things, each representing different, important aspects of any communication:
1) “the truth” — Accuracy — The words spoken must be true.
2) “the whole truth” — Completeness — The words spoken must not omit any facts; all relevant and available information known to the speaker must be presented.
3) “and nothing but the truth” — Integrity — The words spoken must not also contain lies or intentional misdirections mixed-in with the other truths contained in the speaker’s statements.
Deliberately omitting information violates #2, because leaving out details results in failing to communicate “the *whole* truth”… Sadly, while I find #1 is generally respected, #2 and #3 are ignored as the speaker sees fit. They happen daily at work, because they’re advantageous in terms of career positioning and, more-broadly, maintaining civility / social consensus.
I wouldn’t necessarily equate “not communicating the whole truth” with “saying nothing at all” though – that depends on the non-speaker’s intent. There are plenty of good reasons not to communicate something to somebody (information overload / irrelevance, if nothing else!). And there’s at least 1 good reason to give an incomplete view of the truth: assumed relevance, a.k.a., “knowing your audience”: e.g., no technical details communicated to senior management unless they’re critical to the communication.
But generally, the case for giving an incomplete picture during an intentional conversation is usually much weaker; in my ideal world, I’d say either go to one extreme (say nothing) or the other (say everything, to the extent the listener is interested)… I too prefer to be an open book. 🙂 But some people (particularly men who are both aggressive and conservative, IMO) seem to regard openness as a weakness to be exploited.
I do think Facebook worsens the feeling too, as Erin described…
Ugh….yes. I’ve finally learned that there are certain people in my life that I don’t want to share everything with – for the same reasons as you, mainly (they’ll judge). I do feel like I’m lying to them, but I guess if they are going to judge me, I don’t feel so bad keeping things in.
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I tend to overshare and I do get upset when people hold things back on purpose to mislead me. I do have to say that sometimes I am guilty of unintentionally misleading people only because I forget that I haven’t told someone something and sort of assume they know. I can’t seem to keep anything straight anymore in my head of what I have already told people and I hate feeling like I am repeating myself.
I do think it is fine to leave things out to protect yourself from judgement if you know you are talking to someone who tends to judge/disapprove of just about everything. I have only told a few of my friends about my blog because of that. It isn’t that I am saying/writing anything they shouldn’t read, just that I feel like I would be judged for even HAVING a blog.
Oh and I totally hate when I have something that I can’t share because it isn’t mine but not telling it makes me have to change my story too.
I don’t know what in specific you are talking about here, but I do understand the feelings and generalities. And yes to facebook making it worse sometimes. My good friend closed on her house and I found out through facebook. I almost never go on there so it was pure coincidence that I even found out at that time.
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To me, it sounds like you either have to fully embrace who you are and stand up to the naysayers (yes, over and over and over again). Or, you have to understand that when others withhold information, it may be for very valid reasons (or valid to them, at least). Otherwise, you’re holding a double standard.
Personally, I always think there’s a reason for everything. And even though I may not like the way someone handles themself, it’s usually not my place to decide what’s right or wrong for them. Though, I think it’s also slightly different if you’re talking about spouses … because there, higher standards do apply.
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I don’t think we ever really tell anyone everything. Sometimes, it’s a matter of TMI, other times we don’t think they’re really interested, and sometimes, it’s really none of their business. On the receiving end, sometimes people forget who they’ve told, or have no idea a person wouldn’t have heard from another source, or have don’t realize that the person would really have an interest in the subject, or don’t want to create unnecessary angst. On a professional note, sometimes people are just not at liberty to tell others things without jeopardizing their jobs, or company secrets. Bottom line, I really try not to take it personally when people don’t tell me things.
I can relate to what you are saying, it makes me sad that I feel like I have “friends” in my life but I do have to censor what I tell them… if I have to censor what I say, or leave things out on purpose, are they really my friends, are they just not-so-good friends, do I need them in my life? This thought process leads me to all kinds of questions… ugh!!!! And then I get my feelings all kinds of hurt!!!
=^..^=
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i’m like you… i don’t have these “boundaries” people talk about, and share just about anything with just about anyone 😉 so i take it the same way you do – i get hurt, like someone must have thought they couldn’t / shouldn’t / didn’t want to share the full details with me, when maybe they didn’t even THINK of that last piece of info, or thought it was too personal, or wasn’t their info to share, etc etc.
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Like you, I tend to withhold info from people unless I trust them. I do get hurt and confused when certain details are left out of a story or things are omitted about something that I eventually find out.
It is a weird place to be in but, I fint tha tI hold back even more from people who have held info from me.
You’re not being vague. I completely understand what you mean and have experienced similar situations of my own. It’s not fun. Sorry.
I am sure I’ve done it, but I can’t think of a single time I held something back from someone. Even when I try, it ends up bursting out eventually!
The worst part is I can almost always tell when something is up with someone, and I kinda try to gauge how much I should push for information. I try to tell myself if something is wrong, the person will tell me when they are ready. This happened just a couple weeks ago with E. He was upset about something at work but didn’t want to tell me about it. I knew something was wrong, and when he finally told me I was like, “Oh, THAT’s why you said that!!” It’s easier to just know the truth than try to guess someone’s motives. Especially since anytime anyone is acting weird around me I automatically assume I did something wrong. (ha–only child syndrome)
I think a lot of us will self analyze what it is that we want to share with others, for the very same reason you mentioned above… being judged.
Honesty is normally the best policy, but it’s hard to be honest when you have a series of others who are judge and jury in waiting.
It’s the reaction of others that shouldn’t be a factor in our saying what we want, but from a society-based setting, it happens.
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