Unwanted filter
Do you ever have a strong urge to call a friend and let all of your emotions and frustrations out, but you hold back, because you don’t want to burden/bother them?
What is with the filter?
I had a day yesterday, that, let’s just say, didn’t make my sour weekend mood go away. Let’s just say it built on it. There’s a lot going at work. It’s nothing bad that reflects on me individually, but something that affects my organization. It was enough to stress me out after I left work and make me have dreams about it last night.
I needed to call someone last night and talk about it. I used to always call my mom first. She has always been my #1 go-to person, and probably always will be. She’s a great listener, and always gives me the reaction I need.
But she’s not always available. She has important daily commitments. And I don’t want to bother her when she’s busy. And quite honestly, I am selfish, and I don’t feel like I get the attention I need when she’s busy (makes sense – she’s busy).
So last night, I had the urge to call a friend first. Someone who is also a good listener. Someone who can relate.
But, I didn’t. I didn’t want to burden her with my work stress, when she already has her work stress.
Thinking about it now, that’s bull-crap. Our relationship is not set up on the premise that we both have perfectly wonderful lives with no stress. Yeah, we’re both generally happy and know we have a lot to be grateful for, but what’s to say I can’t call her and just let her know how stressed I am at the moment?
I believe it’s fine to say I am stressed out about my job right now, without having to justify it with “I am grateful to have a job.” OF COURSE I am. But for the moment, I let that hold me back.
I believe my friend and I are both the nurturing type. We have the tendency to listen a lot to other people’s problems first, before we share ours. It’s not that we don’t share them, just that we don’t prioritize them all the time. We maybe sit on them. I sometimes do, anyway.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve had strong urges to reach out and call her other times. Once, when I was having some food related issues. I just needed to talk to someone who understood. But still, I held back.
If I am lucky enough to have this wonderful, understanding friend that I can relate to, and who is also a great listener, why don’t I let myself be 100% MYSELF to her?
Themocracy
I know right, you would think people understand that if you eat a lot, you will gain weight and if you eat less, you will lose weight! I am training for a half marathon also! Which one are you doing?
Are you afraid you are going to jeopardize the relationship? It sounds like you have a good solid friendship so I wouldn’t worry about it. You can always just preface the whole conversation with “I just need to vent, you can let it in one ear and out the other.” You are only human and I think your friend already knows this so there is no reason to feel you have to filter yourself.
sometimes i wonder how you sneak into my mind and steal my thoughts… i have been having the same problem with my bff… i feel like i’m being a burden or something if i’m having a bad day/week/month and want to vent (we’ve only been bff’s for 15 years- hello!?!?)… maybe it’s because i feel like i’m always venting, never sharing anything good?!?! i don’t know… i do know that i totally understand how you feel though!!!! and you are so right- that’s what friends, true friends, are for… they are supposed to be there for you- happy, sad, stressed, whatever… why do we hold back??
=^..^=
sooooo is your blog dark gray and light gray because of your inner feelings of stress and no outlet?????
gray is sooooooooo boring and lacking in happiness???
maybe you just need a HUG????
I got a couple extra you can have…. heck,,, can I be your ExtraMom???? I promise to listen and try not to nag you to take your vitamins, and drink lots of water, keep your head covered during windy-wet weather, do your exercises and get some rest!
OK,,, I can’t keep that promise… but you could just eMail me and let it all out…
You can reach me here… http://zz3415.blogspot.com/
I promise to get back to you as soon as humanly possible (until I know you are not a stalker)…
xox
xtra MOM
I hope none of my friends feel that way. I understand you not wanting to burden them but, at least to me, it’s completely different because even though you may talk my ear off and tell me all these things that are bothering you, ultimately they are still YOUR problems. I may love you as a friend and care that you’re unhappy, but just by talking to me they do not automatically become my problems and weigh me down as well. So talk away, I would want to help my friends out as much as possible even if that means being a sounding board for all the crappy things going on with them.
That urge to be polite and low-maintenance and not-a-drama-queen and a non-complainer and no trouble at all as a friend is STRONG. I know. Your closest and truest will be understanding though, and often upset if you DON’T let them in on what’s troubling you. Let them do their job and be a good listener/advisor when you really need one. They’d rather than than you suffering alone with something, which can compound your stress.
It sounds like you have a strong friendship and I’m sure your friend would not feel like you are burdening her. That’s what friends are for!
I have a friend like that. I used to reach out to her when I had a bad day or a bad week and she would listen. However, she would never reach out to me when she was having a crummy time, so I shut that part of myself off from her. I have another friend who calls me to tell me her crappy work/family stress stories and I do the same for her.
I’m sure your friend wouldn’t feel burdened or overloaded if you had to talk it out. She might even be wondering why you don’t share those things with her as it is!
Hope whatever’s stressing you out is resolved soon!
Elainerows – It’s common sense to me! But that doesn’t mean I can always do it! I am doing the Wisconsin Half Marathon on May 2nd in Kenosha. Which one are you doing?
teeni – I think I am worried about jeopardizing or abusing the relationship, and losing the “care free-ness” of it that have now. But you’re right. I need to fight this filter.
CourtneyInControl – I am secretly reading your thoughts, all the time! *insert scary theme music here* Hee hee. Is your friend acting any different? As long as you are not 100% negative or whiny all the time, I bet it’s okay. I think it’s okay to have a bad spell, but to realize that you will come out of it. That is what I am trying to think about now. When I talk to my friend, I will make it a point to tell her I know my life is pretty good most of the time… but I have some small drama.
Just Meee~ – Ha ha ha. Thanks for the offers of support! I think I did need a big hug yesterday 🙂
Jenn – I didn’t think about that. Usually, when people tell me THEIR problems, I don’t internalize them and let them bother me. Usually 😉 And I know this thing would not stress her out. Thanks. It’s always helpful to think about it from the other person’s pov.
Catherine – You said exactly what I needed to hear. And I know you understand as well. Thank you 🙂 *hugs*
Amanda – That IS what friends are for! I am just not used to having a girlfriend that I like and trust so much. Time to get over that!!!
Etta – I wonder why your friend stopped. Do you still talk to her about “normal” stuff? That would be awkward – to always be telling but never hearing anything back… that’s part of building a relationship!
Mica – After reading this, she probably is wondering! Hee hee. Thanks – I should find out more about the stressful work thing today.
WOW! I could have written this post! I have one friend in particular that I love spending time with but never call when I’m having a rough day/time. I don’t know why, but it’s almost like there was an unspoken rule between us that when we’re together, we can talk about whatever, but neither of us would call each other on some random day when we just needed to vent. What the heck is that all about!?! Well, this past weekend, she surprised me by calling and asking to come over. I could tell something was up because, well, she never does that…and really, she just wanted and needed to vent. And you know what? It went perfectly fine…we CAN call our friends and really, they’ll be okay with us venting…hellloooo. LOL. Just need to pound it into my brain now. 😀
Call her, I know that you don’t want to dump on her but seriously sometimes you need to do that and I am sure that you have been there for her at times. Sometimes a mutual chat fest is in order to make you feel better.
I do that too. I feel like I am being a whiney, ungrateful sort, and other people have it worse and on and on. I bet your friend would be disappointed you didn’t call, she would want you to be able to vent!
Bethany – That’s so cool that she finally took the step and called you! Now, I just need to do that.
Christina – You’re right. It would make me feel better. Just talking it out would make me feel better. Sometimes I just need to be heard.
Hotch Potchery – I should keep in mind that, no matter how “worse” others have it, my worries are important too 😉