Learning to give the benefit of the doubt
When did I become so cynical?
I loved sizzle’s post last week about how someone double-parked her, and she left a note on their car, and they actually left an apology letter on hers. I felt like sizzle wrote that post directly to me, like she was saying, “Wake up Kim! You aren’t perfect either! Give people the benefit of the doubt!”
You see, I’ve become quite… fed up with human interaction in public spaces lately. It’s mostly in the morning and evenings, on my walks from the train station to work. I know I walk faster than most, and I don’t expect people to go my speed, but I do expect them to get the HECK out of my way.
I’m sad to admit, I’ve developed the habit of bumping into people and not saying anything. Why should I always be the one to have to move out of the way, you know? It’s just that crowded.
Well, the day before sizzle wrote that post, TWO people stepped in front of me in the morning. But you know what was weird? One apologized, and the other said, “excuse me.” I immediately felt guilty for all those times I’ve been so rude, because I was simply assuming the other person is just a jerk.
And on Tuesday, while dining with a friend, a woman apologized to me for bumping into my chair when she left her table. I didn’t even feel it. How polite!
Now, I am not the type to be rude and not say something when it’s due, but I have just spent so much time assuming most of the people downtown were self-centered jerks, that I’ve sort of given up. And decided to be pushy as well.
I’m different in the suburbs, surprisingly (or not?). One day at the theater, I opened the door to leave (the exit only door) and a bunch of people rushed in, bumping into me. Steven wondered why I wasn’t upset. I explained that it was nothing compared to my morning and evening walks downtown, simple as that. He explained that HE was fed up with holding the door for others, letting others go by first, etc., and feeling taken advantage of all the time. I understood – that is how I feel in the city.
Now I am trying to be less judgmental and pushy. I won’t be walked over, but I can at least give people the benefit of the doubt.
It’s hard.
Related: I think Hilly was on the same page with her manners bullet from an older post.
Themocracy
Thanks for the comment on my blog… I love your site! I’m in the Chicago suburbs too…
My biggest public pet peeve is when I hold the door open for someone and they don’t say thanks. I’m not sure which is worse, adults who don’t say thank you or kids who don’t and whose parents don’t make them say it. I always yell, very sarcastically “You’re welcome!” to anyone who doesn’t say thanks and it does catch them off guard, like they’re suddenly aware of common courtesy. It’s sad because I’ve come to expect people to not say anything and when someone does say thank you I’m always surprised.
I’m the same way. I get really aggravated when people waddle along, or stand in front of the door at a stop where anyone who rides the train regularly KNOWS there is going to be a big outpouring of people. I’m not as apt to give others the benefit of the doubt yet. 🙁 But I don’t assume people are being jerks. I think a lot, a LOT of people are just 1) self absorbed or 2) clueless and it just doesn’t occur to them that their actions impact anyone else.
Actually, I find that more and more in day to day life and it pisses me off. Why is it so hard, when you know someone is having a rough week, to just check in and say, “I understand, are you doing okay?” ??
Sorry, I’m obviously not learning from your post OR Sizzle’s! 😉
I feel the same way when I am downtown. When I am home in the burbs, I am a different person.
The only thing is, most of the people working downtown live in the burbs like us. Does that mean they behave any differently at home? I don’t think so.
I’ve noticed fewer and fewer people apologizing or waving a thank you or any of that stuff these days compared to the past. Kinda sad. But then, once in a while, one happens and catches me completely offguard.
The thing you have to consider is if the people are moving in the same direction as you, you cannot expect them to move out of your way because you are coming from their blindside. How could they know you’re coming?
It is true, people are getting more and more grumpier and pushy. My fo-worker and friend was in her car yesterday morning and another co-worker opened her car door and the wind picked up so her door hit my friend. The woman just shut her door, shrugged and walked in. My friend was saying that there was a ding but what she wanted was for this person to at least acknowledge what happened.
A simple, I’m sorry or excuse me is not so much to ask. I am trying to be more aware of saying that as well as please and thank you.
Mara @ What’s For Dinner? – Aww, thank you! I saw that you teach Spanish! What suburb are you in? We’re in Round Lake. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay out there!
Jenn – This makes me crazy too. For some reason, people expect you to always hold the door open for them. I’ve had instances where I am leaving, and someone waits for me to open the door from the outside so they can enter before me. What the heck? Say thanks, and don’t be an a$$hole.
diane – It’s hard to change. Even this morning, I had to remind myself not to be so upset. I don’t know WHY we get so fed up about stuff like this. I really wish I didn’t. I hate it when people crowd around a door, or stand in a big group in the middle of the sidewalk, or walk with 5 friends across the entire sidewalk, and don’t move when someone else wants to get by.
Tony – Yay! I have back up 😉 GOOD POINT – so they think it is okay to act like that downtown… I am guilty of it. So who started it then?!?! Is it just the nature of the busy city.
kapgar – That is how I felt last week – caught off guard! And I understand if someone is walking in front of me, they cannot see me. The people who are bumping into me are coming from the other direction and stepping directly in front of me. It happens a lot in Union.
Christina – OH MY GOSH! I would have said something to her. How could she not say ANYTHING AT ALL?!?!?! 🙁 It is so simple to say “sorry” or “excuse me.” We’re not THAT busy that we can’t!
When I was in TX. we were really amazed how the majority of the time someone would say “excuse me”, or “sorry” if they bumped into us. They would also say it if we were the offenders, i.e. we bumped into them. It blew us away.
I share your frustration with city life. I think the concrete jungle teaches us to fend for ourselves and turn us into lil pit bulls. I’m much more relaxed and friendlier out in the burbs. Very interesting.
Living in a fairly small city in the midwest (and having been raised by two Texans), I admit that I’m probably overly polite. I smile at whoever I make eye contact with, wave to people I pass as I’m walking my dogs, say “‘Scuse me!” when moving in front of someone on an aisle at Wal-Mart and “Oh no, you’re fine” when someone says “excuse me” to ME. *haha*
But when my husband and I visited New York City in December, I was amazed at how quickly my manners went right out the window. It would have been too dang exhausting to even GRUNT at all the people we were bumping into!! And I think you just get so used to being crammed against other people that it doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, by the end of the week, we were pushing past people without a second thought, like true New Yorkers. 😉
It IS hard. I agree.
But I think at the end of the day, if we can know that we’ve been our best selves regardless of how others have treated us back, we’re doing good. Because we cannot control other people, only ourselves. And if we all just said fuck it and ignored everyone or had no manners, it’d be a crazy fucked up mess. Just because someone seems rude doesn’t mean they are intending to be. The woman leaving me the note? She reminded me of that. Of course, I still get upset but I do pause and think.
I’d rather perpetuate good. Because I totally believe that what I put out in the world returns to me, tenfold. I sure as hell want it to be good stuff coming back!
Gina (Mannyed) – Just think! People all over the country live with manners! It’s amazing! Can it ever happen in the city? Probably not 🙁
Sarah – I always smile at people a lot too… and i think they think it’s weird 😉 That is really interesting how quick you switched over to the OTHER side! I wonder if any studies have been done on how the city affects people’s nerves. That could be really interesting 😉
sizzle – I feel the same way – karma, baby 🙂 We do need to make an effort to be our best selves, even if it sometimes feels like no one else is.
i read your post yesterday but didn’t have a chance to comment but i thought about it all day long, like when i would start to get pissed about something… i would try to tell myself, give them the benefit of the doubt… this is SO hard for me!!! thanks for bringing this to my attention though- i really needed that!!!
=^..^=
CourtneyInControl – I am in the same boat. It is REALLY REALLY hard. Especially when someone does something that we WOULD NEVER DO!