Comments (13)

By kilax, October 21, 2008 10:12 pm

During the summer, when Steven and I were participating in a bowling league, we got into the habit of eating at a specific Subway each league night. We really like the guy who works at this Subway. He always smiles, asks us how we were doing, and makes a good sandwich (he doesn’t skimp on the ingredients!)

We haven’t been to this Subway in awhile. We decided to stop tonight, and the conversation started with the normal, “Hey guys, how are you doing?” along with asking our orders.

Then, while our veggie patties were cooking, he said to me, “You look different.”

I stood there, wondering what was going to come out of his mouth next.

“You look skinny!”

I said, “Thanks. We’ve been running.” Then we started to joke about how there would be “no more Subway cookies” for me.

I really appreciated him noticing. It’s nice when people notice, and say something. And not just about weight loss – about anything – a job well done, a favor you did, a nice outfit, etc. It’s always nice to receive compliments/praise.

Anyway, this reminded me of something I’ve been thinking about. And that is… are people more likely to notice a change in someone else’s weight if they haven’t seen them in a long time/don’t see them on a daily basis?

This may be a shallow thing to think about, but I’ve just been wondering. I barely even notice a change in my weight, unless I look at before and after photos. Yeah, I feel different, but I don’t notice the day to day changes. So, do you think the people you see on a regular basis notice any change? Or do you think it takes them a long time to realize you look different?

Please don’t misinterpret me on this. I am not asking because I expect more comments from other people, I am asking because I tend not to notice subtle changes in others; only the big changes. Unless I haven’t seen them for quite some time. Then I notice.

Comments (20)

By kilax, October 19, 2008 11:44 pm

Time for a collective “Awwwwwww!”

I finally got to meet my new nephew, Thomas Patrick, this weekend. Finally! What a cutie.

Beth embroidered Thomas’s name on a bib and burping towel and sent them to me! How sweet is she? That’s one of the things I love about the blogosphere – the thoughtfulness of the other bloggers you get to know. My brother and sister-in-law really loved the bib and towel. My mom even pointed out that the towel was made out of a baby diaper! She got a kick out of that. Thank you, Beth (and sorry I did not get a very good photo of him!).

Another blogger helped me out this weekend – teeni! She recommended this apple pie recipe, which I made for my dad for his birthday on Friday, and I thought turned out tasting really good. (But notice how much better it looks in HER picture than in mine? Oops. “Presentation” isn’t really my strong point when it comes to food!) Thank you, teeni!

What an exhausting weekend THAT was. Maybe I should have taken Monday off as well!

Comments (22)

By kilax, October 18, 2008 11:30 pm

Today was 5K #2, in Cedar Falls, Iowa. The conditions were much different than the last 5K we ran – this race had two hills, and it was foggy and only about 45° (Oh yeah, and we had two blabbering idiots running behind us for the first mile. It’s cool to talk to someone when you are running, but not like you’re a valley girl who works in a salon.  [sorry, that’s the best analogy I could come up with. Steven said the girls sounded like Sarah Palin – is that any better?]).

Notice how I am checking my watch right before the finish line?

Even though this race was “rougher,” we finished with a time of 27:00! (It’s weird how this time also ended on an exact minute. Hmm.) I am contributing this 2-minute-faster-than-last-time finish to the fact that it was so cold… and that we both weigh less than we did at the last race.

We have some weird mist or frost in our hair!

My aunt, mom, and sister came to watch us. It’s always nice to have someone cheering your name when you cross the finish line!

My aunt, me, mom and sister

This is going to sound awful, but when I was running up the first hill, I was thinking, “How could I ever run a marathon?! This hill is wearing me out! I don’t think I can run more than a 5K!”

That’s so pathetic, especially since when I was done, I felt great, like I could do it all over again.

I’ve been wanting to train for a longer distance run. I really think Steven and I could run 10Ks. I’m just not sure if we should focus on decreasing our 5K time, running longer, or both. Probably both.

Right now, I am still loving running. I want to keep it that way – I want to keep it varied so we don’t lose our interest in it. We have been on and off running plenty of times. I want this to be the time we stick with it!

Comments (17)

By kilax, October 17, 2008 8:36 am

Does your profession have a clothing stereotype?

Mine does – lots of gray, black and muted colors. I think I wore the gray/black combo three times this week! To the left is one of my typical “uniforms.”

I have a confession – Steven helps me pick out most of my outfits when I have meetings with clients, interviews, etc. The other day, he advised I take this top, because it is “designer-y.” He told me I looked “architect-y” when I wore the outfit on the left yesterday.

I told Steven he should be on that show, What Not to Wear. As a host, not as a “walking fashion disaster” (that’s what their website says!).

Comments (6)

By kilax, October 16, 2008 10:27 pm

Thank you for all of your wonderful comments/emails yesterday. They made me smile, tear up a bit, laugh and feel so much stronger. It was exactly what I needed. I am going to take the time to respond to each of them in email form, so please give me a bit of time to write up the thoughtful responses they deserve.

Your comments/emails made me feel so much better, that I am now able to laugh at most of the things that have been upsetting me off all week. What’s the point in being upset anymore, now that it’s Thursday night, and I don’t even have to work tomorrow?

Here’s my week’s rant list anyway. Would any of these things have bothered you?

• The Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Fiasco

Steven was at work on Sunday and I was really excited to spend the day baking treats for us, our neighbors and our coworkers. The first thing I made was oatmeal raisin cookies, trying the recipe on the inside of the Quaker Oats container. What a crapshoot they turned out to be. Completely flat, soft and crumbly and falling apart. It made me so upset, it ruined my day. The chocolate chip cookies and pumpkin bread were flat too. I didn’t put two and two together. Steven pointed out to me that it was probably the baking soda/baking powder’s fault, not mine. He fixed them by putting them in a muffin tin and making “cookie pucks.” They were a huge hit at his office.

• Zit Face

I usually only break out on my chin, once a month. I started getting zits all over my face on Saturday, and they haven’t gone away. They are so red. I don’t know how to get rid of them. It’s embarrassing.

• Size 12

Yeah, my size 12 clothes fit. But they’re ALL out of style. And the nice pants I bought at Banana Republic in the middle of September? Already too big.

• The Leather Rep

Someone representing leather (for furniture) happened to visit our office Tuesday morning. And happened to talk all about the cows, and how they have to be raised to produce the best leather. And happened to pass around samples of leather. This REALLY bothered me. I was surprised how much it bothered me. When I talked to my mom that evening, she happened to mention how they were cutting down a tree, and she hated feeling like “she killed something.” I almost started to yell a vegetarian rant at her, but luckily, I stopped myself.

• Slow Walkers

All those people walking too slow on the streets of Chicago… get the hell out of my way!

• Cold Train

The AC has been blasting on the train every morning. Why why why? When it is 45 degrees outside, we don’t need the air on! It’s so cold, I sit there shivering.

• This person

• Overwhelmed at Work

A lot of people in my office don’t have much to do right now, but my projects seem to have a lot going on. I felt a bit overwhelmed and frustrated about it all this week. More than I can say.

• Lunch Meetings

Having a meeting during lunch once in awhile is okay. But spur of the moment? Or all the time? That is not a break. I need a break. Even if I am just sitting at my desk.

• The Presidential Debate Last Night

Complete bs. Need I say more?

What a dumb, dumb list. Why was I letting all of these things upset me?

Comments (21)

By kilax, October 15, 2008 5:51 am

It’s time for me to reread Life is Hard, Food is Easy, by Linda Spangle.

It’s also time for me to 100% honest. To let it all out.

This is going to be a long one…

Steven and I have a typical weekday routine. It’s nice for me. He gets home first and makes dinner. I get home, dinner is made, we eat. We almost immediately exercise outside, together, or move camp upstairs to use the treadmill.

Last night, Steven got home about an hour after I did. Of course, no dinner was made when I got home (Thanks a lot, Data).

I immediately started to have a weird “out-of-routine” panic. I wanted to make dinner and eat together, but I knew we would be eating too late for both of us to use the treadmill or exercise outside together.

So, what happened? I tried to busy myself by cleaning up the kitchen before preparing dinner.

But I was feeling stressed, anxious, and nervous. How I’ve felt since Sunday. There’s more bothering me than what I’ve mentioned in my lovely “Why I’m Pissed Off Today” series. I’ve been externally avoiding these things (not talking about them), while internally dwelling on them and feeding my “pissed off” mood.

I think I’ve created a self-fulfilling pissed off mood. Anyway.

It happened. Those leftover, p.o.s., “I’m too pissed off to take these ugly oatmeal raisin cookies to work” (long story) cookies were sitting on the counter, all crumbled up in a container. Stupid p.o.s. cookies.

I ate one crumble. Yum. I ate more. I kept eating. I couldn’t stop. Inside my head I was telling myself, “No! You have to eat dinner with Steven soon!” But I couldn’t stop my hand and mouth. I was just grabbing them as fast as I could and chewing them even faster.

It literally felt like something took over me.

Somehow, I stepped away, and sat down on the couch with my computer. Steven called, and I told him about it. He suggested throwing the cookies away. I did. I am thankful for that.

I still ate dinner. But I didn’t exercise. In fact, I laid in bed while Steven exercised, feeling cranky and upset. About so many things.

I tried to be reassuring. I told myself, “You only ate about 600 extra calories! You’ll be fine! No biggie! Sometimes you eat more than that at a restaurant and still lose weight!” (see how positive my self-talk can be?)

This morning, I stepped on the scale. I have a love/hate relationship with the scale. As in, I love it when the number goes down, and hate it when it stays the same or goes up.

I still weigh myself every day, to keep on track. My dream is that someday, when I am “maintaining” my weight, I will only step on that b*tch once a week. Ha.

It said I went up TWO pounds. This is illogical. I did not eat THAT much. I quickly came up with reasons in my head to defend the gain, then told myself, “STOP – STOP DOING THIS!”

Stop obsessing.

I should be proud of myself. Last weekend, I got my “Size 12” box out of my closet. It had been on a shelf since last winter. Everything fits. Everything. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? I am moving through clothing sizes so fast now (so fast, that I am wasting money when I buy new pants – they only fit for a month or so).

I was a size 18. My goal is a size 10 (maybe smaller). I’m so close. But still, I obsess.

I worry. I think about food too much. I’m afraid of food. I. Have. To. Be. In. Control.

This weekend, Steven and I are traveling to Iowa to visit my family. We even took Friday off from work. I am excited about the trip. I haven’t seen some of my family since June!

But I worry. Like I always do. I worry I won’t have a good time unless I am stuffing my face. I worry I will eat too many “bad foods.” I worry about losing self-control.

Seriously. What’s the big deal, if every once in awhile, I let things go and eat more? (A lot more)

I beat myself up about it though. Even though I am telling myself, “This isn’t a big deal, Kim! It’s just one time weekend! You eat healthy all the time! Give yourself a break, girl! You deserve it!” I still feel guilty.

I have such an unhealthy, warped relationship with food/eating.

I’m so into “self-help,” I am convinced I can “fix” myself.

I read this book the last time (sad to write that) I lost a lot of weight, and I have reread a few sections since then.

It’s funny how I only read health books/fitness magazines when I am already in the process of a healthy lifestyle. I guess when I am not following a healthy lifestyle, I just feel too hopeless to even kid myself by opening it.

Anyway. I remember that I connected with this book so much when I read it.. that it was eerie.

Of course, I always think I am the only person who has overeating/binge problems. I’m not. But I forget.

The book links certain emotions with food and recommends a 5-step plan to overcome, essentially, eating your emotions.

I’m always weary of “step” programs. But the rest of the book seems so smart – I feel like it is speaking directly to me – that I think it is time for a reread/rethink. There must be something in there to help me.

I have to share the portion of the book that really “clicks” with me. The author identifies two kinds of “hunger” that bring on the emotional eating reflex – “head hunger” and “heart hunger.”

Head Hunger begins with a specific craving for something chewy, crunchy or textured (examples – chewy: candy bars, trail mix, steak; crunchy: nuts, breakfast cereal; textured: pizza, fries). “Head hunger is usually prompted by pressure-type emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.”

Heart Hunger doesn’t bring up specific cravings. You just have to eat and begin to mindlessly search for things (this used to happen to me A LOT). You often pick something soft, smooth or creamy (examples: ice cream, cheese, chocolate, cake, mashed potatoes, ethnic foods). “Heart hunger usually creeps in gradually.” It’s fueled by subtle emotions like loneliness, boredom, fatigue, need for love, etc.

Gosh. How can a book understand me that well? Why don’t I “understand me” that well?

Seriously. Can you relate to these descriptions at all?

The book goes on with steps to deal with the emotions in other ways than eating. The method is more than just distracting yourself, if I recall correctly.

I feel hopeful just writing about it.

The funny thing is, overeating/binging hasn’t been a huge problem for me lately. But last night scared me. I used to eat like that ALL THE TIME. And I’ve mentioned that I don’t understand how my mood suddenly changed to allow me to follow a healthy lifestyle.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to stay at a healthy weight.

Right now, I’m at my “plateau” weight. The weight I always get to and stall, then regain. I was hoping to just bust right past it. But I am dwelling on it too much. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to give my body time.

I think the whole “Body Mass Index” (BMI) is kind of bs, but I am in the overweight category with a 28.7. I’m almost “obese.” I’d just like to get into the “normal weight” range and STAY THERE.

But you know what? That’s probably not truly “normal.” Normal for most people is probably just like me, having issues and struggling with food.

But, we try. Right?

So, I’m going to keep trying. I already feel better. Thanks for reading.

Comments (25)

By kilax, October 13, 2008 9:18 pm

Unfortunately, I have updates to yesterday’s post. (I promise a more cheery post tomorrow. I just have to let off some steam. I am too pissed off to talk about this. Even thinking about it makes me mad.)

I emailed the person early Saturday morning to tell them I felt there was a miscommunication and they were asking me to do more than I felt I was qualified for/or had the time/or care for. They emailed me back today, saying they didn’t mean to pressure me. They understand everyone has limitations. They don’t want to take up too much of my time. They just want my input and help.

They asked if we could meet, which I said was fine, because I prepared something back in March (as previously mentioned).

I must be so naive.

They send out an email, inviting others to meet in a few weeks and discuss things. I am fine with this.

But at the bottom of the email, is a note (paraphrased below).

Kim, please look at the attachment and edit it. I would like to have it back by Tuesday, tomorrow. Please know this just came up and is a one time quick rush thing.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Was I corresponding with the SAME person today? It doesn’t seem like someone would tell you they understand you are pressed for time, then give you something they want you to edit for the next day.

I really want to help. But it’s time to set some boundaries. Or not help at all.

Comments (13)

By kilax, October 12, 2008 6:44 pm

A long time ago (back in MARCH), I told someone that I would help them with some write-ups for their organization’s website. I promptly wrote up a list of ideas and emailed them, eager to help.

I never heard back.

I ran into that person a few months later. “Let’s get together and talk!” they said. I gave them my phone number, and told them to just let me know when.

Never heard from them.

Now, someone is leaving their organization, and all of a sudden, they want my help. They are calling me and emailing me, telling me to do things, bossing me around, acting like I told them I would take on all these responsibilities.

Um, no.

They seem to be the type of person who doesn’t let anyone else get a word in, or give them a chance to say no. Or ever speak their mind. They act like they want your opinion, but really don’t.

I’ll deal with this in the working world, because I am getting paid. But definitely NOT on a volunteer basis.

I’m just going to have to try really hard not to be a bitch when I tell them that.

Comments (14)

By kilax, October 11, 2008 7:48 am

If I know I am going out for dinner in the evening (like tonight, with diane and E – a much awaited date!!!), I like to browse the restaurant menu online during the day, and pick my meal in advance.

I do this for several reasons:

One – it gives me time to pick the “healthiest” choices for a meal, if that is what I am in the mood for. Or, it lets me pick out a “not-so-healthy” meal choice, but gives me the entire day to eat a bit less, or even exercise a bit more (if I choose).

Two – it saves time at the restaurant, giving me more time to chat with friends. Normally, I am so excited to talk to friends at dinner, that the waitress comes back 3 or 4 times before we’ve made up our minds about what to order… or even opened the menus to take a peak!

Three – it gives me piece of mind. I have serious anxiety issues when it comes to choosing what to eat at a restaurant if I didn’t have time to research the menu or am not familiar with the place. All of these thoughts go through my head, “What did I eat today?” “Should I eat something unhealthy, or wait for a treat later in the week?” “Will I have time to work out after dinner?”

I try not to be an annoying dinner partner. And I still enjoy eating out! I just have a hard time not getting something really bad for me all the time and not clearing my plate all the time.

So, does anyone else choose meals in advance? For same or different reasons? Please don’t tell me I’m the only one!

Comments (5)

By kilax, October 10, 2008 10:18 pm

When I went to respond to all of today’s comments, I noticed that all of the posts had comments disabled. Then, I noticed all my settings were messed up. Somehow, comments got turned off. Maybe on all my posts. I found this thread talking about it. Anyone else having this issue? Ugh. What a pain in the butt this is going to be.

Update: the SQL command in the post I linked to worked! It turned ALL of my comments back on. But I just wasted an hour figuring it out.