Why I’m pissed off today, part ii
Unfortunately, I have updates to yesterday’s post. (I promise a more cheery post tomorrow. I just have to let off some steam. I am too pissed off to talk about this. Even thinking about it makes me mad.)
I emailed the person early Saturday morning to tell them I felt there was a miscommunication and they were asking me to do more than I felt I was qualified for/or had the time/or care for. They emailed me back today, saying they didn’t mean to pressure me. They understand everyone has limitations. They don’t want to take up too much of my time. They just want my input and help.
They asked if we could meet, which I said was fine, because I prepared something back in March (as previously mentioned).
I must be so naive.
They send out an email, inviting others to meet in a few weeks and discuss things. I am fine with this.
But at the bottom of the email, is a note (paraphrased below).
Kim, please look at the attachment and edit it. I would like to have it back by Tuesday, tomorrow. Please know this just came up and is a one time quick rush thing.
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Was I corresponding with the SAME person today? It doesn’t seem like someone would tell you they understand you are pressed for time, then give you something they want you to edit for the next day.
I really want to help. But it’s time to set some boundaries. Or not help at all.
Themocracy
Wow to that….
Remove this person from your life… they are poison to your happiness.
I’d respond with this: Hi ____, I don’t really have time to help you with your project. Good luck to you though… Sincerely yours… f*ck off… Love, Kim 🙂
Feel free to edit out my profanity 😉
LOVE TO YOU!!!!
~bobbi
What’s the phrase… give an inch, they will take a mile… Stand your ground.
This reminds me of that scene in Back To The Future where Biff is needing his homework done and says to George McFly “I can’t turn it in with your handwriting. I need time to copy it down.”
Don’t give in to Mrs. Biff. She’ll only find another opportunity to “use” you again.
oh yeah and Kim while you’re at it can you use your magic wand to fix the economy, keep the election fair, end world suffering and grant them some curiosity?
thanks, oh yeah and . . . .
it’s a shame that there are people like that out there. don’t take it too much to heart though, there are people like that everywhere looking for someone willing to help them. they are the one’s who’s survival skills are to always know someone who can instead of actually being able to do and unfortunately “thank you, please, or when works for you” doesn’t seem to be in the vocabulary. 😐
Ooh…. that’d piss me off too.
No would be my answer or if I were feeling passive-aggressive, I’d just say I didn’t get to that email for days since I was BUSY!
bobbi+ – HA HA HA! I think I am going to copy and paste that into an email right now… not. I would like to! I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO.
martymankins – You are so right. That is what I am trying to avoid. A relationship where they expect me to do all the work. Because while I want to help, I will NOT be someone’s bitch or take orders.
de – Sounds like you speak from experience? I am just always surprised when people turn out to be rotten. See? NAIVE!
claire – Ha! I know. What makes this person think I even check my personal email that often? Jeez!
I vote for not at all!
It sounds like this is a problem of entitlement culture (one of many examples, unfortunately).
A very similar behavior arises in the world of open-source software (“OSS” — software whose source code is made available to anybody who wants to take it and use it for their own purposes, or contribute back to the code and improve the software, etc. Almost without exception, OSS is available monetarily-free, so it costs basically nothing more than your time and patience to use it. Linux and Firefox are probably the best-known examples of OSS). Oftentimes, users who are not also developers will whine and complain to the developer(s) that the software is not behaving correctly, that it’s breaking something, etc. Users then demand support, immediate bug-fixes, and so on. Not every user does this; many (maybe even most) are more respectful than that. But there tends to be a large, vocal minority who are not so nice.
Developers of course want to maintain their reputation and produce something they can be proud of. But the question arises that many OSS developers find themselves asking: “do I work for you?”
And the answer is almost invariably “no”. The end-users contribute little, if anything back to the developers, but are happy to take their software and use it – to use the fruits of somebody else’s hard work. Developers wouldn’t mind this (that’s partly the point – they released it for free after all!), if only the users would have some respect for the developers’ work and time.
For as poorly-written a book as it was, the situation still reminds me of “Atlas Shrugged”, in which (if I understand correctly, since I never finished the book due to its length and bad writing) too many people don’t respect the producer. Eventually, those producers (metaphorically, “Atlas”) simply stop producing. They give-up, strangled (in Ayn Rand’s novel) by government regulations and a disrespectful, short-sighted, greedy-without-realizing-it and greedy-from-the-demand-side culture.
It sounds like you have an organization which is essentially a user (consumer) of your time/money (as a producer of those things), and they feel somehow *entitled* to your time/money.
By what right are they “entitled”? Mere existence? Does the world owe them a living (or could another, better organization replace them if they were to fall-apart)?
I personally wouldn’t hesitate to firmly remind them that they are not my boss (and if they were, I would be paid far more handsomely!), and that as a volunteer, I am under no obligation to them whatsoever. Hence, if they want my help, they had better start acting like I’m more than just another body on their payroll – I’m somebody who is giving them something in return for nothing…
I wouldn’t start-off harshly about it — chances are, the person on the other end simply hasn’t bothered to think about the situation from your perspective (“never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to ignorance” – Ken Thompson, a great computer scientist, rephrasing Hanlon’s Razor). With any luck, a clear and friendly-but-firm explanation of your situation will open her eyes and everything will be kosher again.
Better to have a friendly, healthy relationship with an organization you (normally) like, than not, right? 🙂
Still, if the situation worsened to the point where I felt like escalating it to my own disrespect for them, I’d (hopefully) come to my senses and simply cut my ties with them, and sternly inform them that they could expect nothing more from me… :-/
I’ll rewrite Bobbi’s email for you (although I actually like hers and may use it myself! hee), but make sure you Reply ALL!
“Dear [Idiot], As I had mentioned when we talked yesterday, right now is a very hectic period in my life and I am so stretched for time that I am unable to take on any more projects. My apologies. I hope you can find someone else to do this work for you.
Best of luck.
Kim”
The Reply ALL is to cover your butt with others so they know you had already told Idiot once. If they work with her, they probably will COMPLETELY understand.
I’m getting better at this sort of thing, being the one who usually got buried with last-minute or botched projects. My new(er) mantra: Be polite but firm and NEVER explain your reasons! Even if “too busy” means you’re sitting at home with the hubby drinking mojitos and sleeping 18 hours a day!! 😀
WOW!!!
Well I wish I had an answer for you but as my approach is usually do it and bottle up my frustration till I take the dogs to the dog park and run around with them till my frustration is gone….I can be of no help.
It doesn’t sound like they listened to you though, typical of those type of people!!!
I guess I’m the only one that would take a passive aggressive route–pretend you didn’t read the e-mail until after the deadline. 🙂
As Shel Silverstein put it, “If you have to do the dishes and you drop one on the floor, maybe they won’t have you do the dishes anymore!”
Oy! They have so overstepped the line. You should totally walk away.
I hope you told that person you did not have the time to humor their last minute request, but you will still be able to attend the meeting in a few weeks.
i’d probably be passive-aggressive about it too. like, reply back with the attachment and say “as you know, i’m swamped right now – it might work better if you review and edit it yourself. thanks!” and make it sound super cheery. because i’m a closet bitch.
sizzle – It’s definitely heading that way.
E – What you said reminds me of a response I wrote to my college paper. There was this big dumb article complaining about facebook – a program people use for free. I wrote some response saying to shut up and deal with it – it’s a free program. Hmm. I think I was being too harsh there. Just like how this person isn’t thinking about how I feel. But there is more than I am telling here – I know they are that type of person. I didn’t know initially, when I offered to help, but I have learned more. I don’t want to go back on my promise to help, but this is too much stress.
Cat. – Hmm. I may have to use that. And I agree – sometimes me being busy is me needing time to unwind. Or exercise. Or cook. Or sleep.
Felicia – Definitely didn’t listen. Even though it was so clear.
diane – I am thinking about that. But what point will it prove?
Cheryl – I want to. I really do.
Nilsa – I told them their write-up seems informal. They asked me to fix it and I haven’t responded. I don’t think I will. They can do it on their own. They are wasting more time emailing me about it than simply fixing it.
Alice – Ha ha. I think no matter what I write, my bitchy attitude is going to come out. I am not sure if I can hide it!
My mom always used to say,
“A lack of planning on your part does not make an emergency on my part.”
Time to draw the line!
I have been in the almost EXACT SAME POSITION! I know the anger, the fuming anger, and the feeling like you’re just being trampled on. You’re totally right. You have to set boundaries. You only do what you want, when you can. That’s all. You did not agree to these responsibilities, and just because they have a need (or needs) that have to be met, it is not YOUR role to fulfill them. Unless you want to. I would simply say, “I cannot edit this; as discussed earlier, I simply do not have the time. Please find someone else.” I know it’s scary — I myself am a huge ppl pleaser and want to help everyone all the time — but it will only lead you to feeling angry, used and depleted.
Evidently, this person perceives your acknowledgement of willingness to help as an open invitation to whatever “whim” they come up with. I would let them know that under no circumstances should they expect you to “jump” when spoken to. That you offered them help back in March and can’t help them if they are in such an emergency situation now. And of course Bobbi’s ending to the email is great! 🙂
I like Jodi’s “Mom” quote too!
It doesn’t sound like that person is being very respectful of your time at all! I’m sorry this is stressing you out!
Can you just bitch-slap them? (am I allowed to say that on here?)
I vote for deleting them from your life – AND telling them why. (because that will seal the deal.)
Jodi – Does the fact that I know that quote and think it all the time say anything? 🙁
marissa – I never thought I was a people pleaser until I realized how hard it was for me to say no, even when this person is treating me like shit.
Denise – The thing is, they probably created this “emergency” themselves! And why would I want to help?
tori – They aren’t. But now I am just going to ignore it. Ha!
Kyra – You are most definitely allowed to say that here! 😀 It made me laugh. I like that phrase – “deleting them from my life.”
Run like hell! I have gotten sucked into things like this, because I wanted to help. It is sooooooo hard to extricate yourself at a later date!
Run, Kim, Run!
Yikes! Youhave your own work deadlines to worry about! The nerve! I would say something like, I had everything prepared for you in March and you left me hanging, so now you have to wait until my time allows me to help you out again.
Robin – Ha ha, your comment just makes me laugh for some reason! Thank you for the advice to get out NOW!!! I am going to see how much they harass me before the meeting. And see how the meeting goes. I am not the type to fall for someone’s bullshit in person.
Gina (Mannyed) – I don’t want to be that mean though 😉 Ha! I think it is coming to that though. Unfortunately.
No! No cheerier posts! I like kick-you-in-the-ass kilax! Now if you’ll video blog the actual ass kicking, that would make it even better!
kapgar – Well, it DID make me feel better to let it all out. So I should continue this way? 😛