Things change… forcibly
An excerpt from a recent email to a friend I knew in high school:
“Working is treating me good… but I am really busy and feel like I never have time to relax. I can’t believe this is what being an adult’s all about. I really don’t think I am cut out for this lifestyle – at least for the next 40 years! Ha ha. I need more time to have fun. I like to have fun. I am not so good at being serious ALL THE TIME – which is funny – all my classmates in college thought I was really serious, but really, I just didn’t click with many of them. Yikes, I’m such a bitch.”
(Part of) Her response:
“I am glad to see you love your job…even if it is a part of being an adult!! And I find it quite hilarious that you are having a tough time being an adult…you were always in such a rush to get there and be on your own. More time for fun should be a requirement in ALL our lives!”
I barely keep in touch with two of my friends from high school. And that is through email alone. And I didn’t talk to either of them for at least a few years in between.
So what’s wrong with me that I lived in the same town for over 17 years and couldn’t make any friends?
Because, like my friend said in her email, I was always in a rush to grow up and be independent. I am not sure where that urge came from, but it is what drove most of my decisions, resulting in me not having many friends, and being withdrawn. And uptight. And stressed out.
I had a great first year of college. I met Steven and… spent all my time with him. I didn’t take the time to make any new friends, even though these were people I would spend the next five years of school with. I don’t regret it, but it also means I really didn’t have any close friends.
Steven moved to Chicago after my freshman year and we spent the next four years in a long distance relationship. I’ll admit – it was hard at first, just because I felt lonely. But then I started to focus immensely on my school work and that occupied my time, and of course, kept me from taking time to make friends.
So, for the first part of college, I was actually serious and uptight and very anxious. I had a very full schedule and was too stressed out. I never did anything fun. I turned down invitations to work on school stuff (which is why they probably thought I was serious). By the beginning of my junior year I kind of snapped from all my of anxiety and nervousness. I started seeing a therapist and taking lexapro, an anxiety drug.
I made a very big mistake – I didn’t tell Steven about the drugs at first. I don’t think I told any family members either. I was embarrassed for not being able to fix my problems on my own. I didn’t think anxiety medicine would actually help, but I was desperate to find a way to relax and be happier.
But they did help! I stayed on them for a year and eventually came off them when I moved to Rome – they became too expensive! I shouldn’t have gone off them because of money. That can be dangerous, but it worked for me. The therapy and drugs helped me learn how to relax and be a calmer person.
I realize it’s my own fault that I could not “click” with my classmates. By the time I was able to be a “normal” person they had already formed all their cliques. Everyone was friendly, but I didn’t have a group I really belonged in. Of course, I still have friends I keep in touch with college, but not as many as most people have.
I told my friend:
“It is funny that I used to be so serious and now I just want to have fun and relax. I guess that is a good change for me! I am a lot less uptight. When I started college, I was still really stressed out and serious, but it became too much for me, and I started taking anxiety drugs to calm down. It actually really changed me. I got off them after about a year and still feel much better. It’s nice to think that prescription drugs DO help sometimes.”
I am writing this because that email just started me thinking about all of that again. And I just felt like it is something I might share. I think it explains a bit of who I am.
Themocracy
Seems like I’ve been sharing this quote with quite a few people lately, but when the shoe fits…
“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”
I love that quote Lisa shared, very very true.
Thanks for sharing all that with us, Kim. It’s hard to put a piece of yourself out there like that and I hope you felt a lil more empowered. Kudos to you for making the decision to improve yourself, so to speak. I have more to say but I don’t want to hog the comments section so I’ll send you and email…
I just want to say I love you, Kim. 🙂 That header up at the top? That’s you. Don’t lose track of that!
thank you for sharing… you always make me feel more “normal”… and your post fits right in with what i’ve been working on trying to blog… i love lisa’s comment, it is so true… i just wish i had better coping skills…
What better time to start making a new set of friends than now. You’ve got the rest of your life to kick back and relax … and hopefully the lessons you learned through school will make it easier to make friends at this stage of your life!
It’s never too late to start living. 🙂 Good for you that you took measures to help yourself. Not everyone is that brave.
When I met you at Davecago, I thought you were very easy to talk to! I actually thought if I lived in Chicago, you would be a great friend to hang out with! I would be surprised if you do not have a wide circle of friends.
If I had college (and grad school) to do over again, I would spend far less time focusing on school. Took it far too seriously… especially since a lot of people got grades as good as mine while doing far less work (A friend of mine taught there years later amidst some of my old profs, so I know the grade inflation deal to be true.).
I relate to a lot of your post.
I have stayed in contact with some of my friends from school (which for me was a loooong time ago!), but the sad thing is, now I don’t really have anything in common with them except our shared past. Their lives and interests are very different from mine, and I never feel much of a rapport with them.
I don’t think making new friends is a bad thing at all. People change, and not always in the same directions. The friends you make now will relate to who you are now, not who you used to be.
Aww, good for you! I think it’s great that you are chillax’n! I actually applaud you – seems like you did your thing in the correct order if you ask me. A whole lotta kids I know got a free ride through college on their parents tab and spent it getting drunk. It would piss me off to no end because I never went to college (long story)… but to have someone give you that chance and then to blow it on partying and getting drunk just FLOORED me.
I’m glad that you are feeling well these days and able to relax and enjoy – you deserve it!
Oh, also ~ about the friends….. you have your whole life ahead of you to make friends too 🙂
But, I’ve learned over the years the best friend in the world to have is always going to be your husband, sounds like you have a good one there!
such an interesting post! it’s great that you can look back with clarity and understand the way things went for you a few years ago. funny that you were on lexapro and it worked well for you, just goes to show how differently people react to meds: i was on lexapro for all of one week and reacted HORRIBLY to it, i had akathesia (basically could not stop moving, was shaking and didn’t sleep for several days in a row) and the “black box warning” of suicidal thoughts being provoked in young people who take SSRIs came true for me. blah!
Oh my gosh! I am happy you got off of Lexapro! I didn’t know it could have such adverse side effects!