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By kilax, January 9, 2008 5:50 am

Have you seen the Onion’s Our Dumb World: Atlas of the Planet Earth?

It is a politically incorrect, spoof atlas of the world. I read a review of it in the beginning of December, and just from the book excerpts in the article, I immediately knew I had to buy it.

In the book, nearly every country is featured on its own page (the US section spans several pages, with a description for each state), with full color maps, made-up statistics based on stereotypes, and humorous photos. You’ll get a small glimpse of what the book is like by visiting the interactive atlas on their website.

What makes the book so funny is that it is full of exaggerated stereotypes of what Americans think of other nations. The description of Italy really made me laugh:

Italy is known as one of the most racially intolerant nations in the world, where citizens base their opinions of other ethnicities on appearance and stereotypes alone. But then, what more do you expect from a bunch of greasy, filthy womanizers?

And so did that of India (but like I said, it is NOT politically correct):

Mired by rising poverty levels, polluted groundwater that threatens the lives of millions, and a rapidly crumbling infrastructure, the nation of India has every intention of addressing these problems just as soon as it finishes telling Midwesterners how to install Windows XP on their home computer.

I know you have to have a certain sense of humor to enjoy the book, but I really did. I actually bought a copy of it for my brother-in-law for Christmas, but when I couldn’t put it down even before I gave it to him, I knew I would have to buy my own copy as well.

For being a joke book, there is a ton of content. I cannot imagine how long it took the authors to make it all up, or at least discover of all those stereotypes. I am looking forward to buying my own copy soon, and tainting my mind just a little bit more.

I recommend it to anyone with a good sense of humor, especially if you love maps like I do!

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By kilax, January 8, 2008 5:54 am

It seems like Steven and I get a lot of inquires about our commutes from our family and friends who don’t live in the Chicago suburbs.

With him, the question is “how many miles do you drive to work each day?” and “how long does that take you?” and “why do you live so far away from your office?”

With me, it’s “how long does the train ride take?” and “why do you live so far away from your office?”

We find ourselves answering these questions, but slipping our common justifiers in with our answers. Mine are “At least 100 other people get on the train stop with me in the morning to go all the way to the city!” (i.e. I am not the only crazy one), and “it would take me three hours to drive to the city!” and “I think I am only going to commute like this while I am young!”

His justifiers (which I usually provide to him) are, “when I bought my house I worked at an office that wasn’t so far away,” and “we could buy a house closer to the city, but it would be 1/10th of the size of ours now, and be in poor quality.”

I think it is funny that I feel like I have to justify commuting on the train to Chicago. When people ask me about it they are just curious, not mean or spiteful, but when I am talking about it, I realize how ridiculous it sounds, so I try to rationalize it.

The truth is, A LOT of people commute from the suburbs to Chicago. We live in the suburbs so we can have yards, and garages, and decent houses. But just because a lot of people do it, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, and I don’t get to work each day thinking, “why the hell do I live so far away?” Because I do.

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By kilax, January 7, 2008 5:50 am

Whenever I visit my family in Iowa, I feel so out of the loop of what is going on with everyone.

My younger brother quit his job a few months ago and is working at a completely different place. Didn’t know that.

My sister had a car accident (not a serious one) in December. Didn’t know that.

My parents bought a “new-for-them” van. Didn’t know that.

That is the bad part about living so far away from your family – you can never really be completely “in-the-know” with their lives.

Now that my sister is in college, and I feel like we can finally relate to each other, I would like to spend more time with her. But she’s busy, I’m busy, we live so far away, I hate to talk on the phone… most of our communication is emails and facebook now.

I feel like a broken record. I know I have mentioned this before. But I think this is an unsolvable problem for me. I like working in Chicago, and my family happens to live in Iowa. Until the day that Chicago’s suburbs begin to sprawl into Iowa, and I can take a rapid transit train to see them, I will have to deal with it.

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By kilax, January 4, 2008 5:17 am

If drinking fountains could dispense another liquid in addition to water, what would you want it to be?

Diet Coke.

When I worked at McDonald’s (from the summer after my freshman year in high school to the summer after my freshman year in college – yikes!), we were allowed to drink as much soda as we wanted. We couldn’t drink it while working, but we could have it on “30-second drink breaks,” during lunch break, and before and after work.

During that time, I became addicted to Diet Coke. I drank a 21 oz. cup of it before my shift, drank it during my shift, and took a 32 oz. cup of it home. I never got sick of it.

And I still haven’t. Although, ideally I prefer it off the tap, not in a can. But I will drink it in a can too.

And Welch’s Strawberry soda is my second choice! Although I rarely drink it… I love how sugary sweet it is.

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By kilax, January 3, 2008 5:47 am

I received my January issue of Glamour magazine in the beginning of December. I usually devour new magazines, as I am eager to read something on my long train ride home besides my crap excuse for a newspaper.

But I was too intimidated by the January issue to read it. It had a huge heading on the front that said “Get to your happy weight!” I opened up the magazine and saw that almost 20 pages of the issue were dedicated to “getting a healthy body for life.” (That’s a lot, for a magazine that is probably 50% ads)

I skipped over those articles and choose to read the fluff article on Carrie Underwood instead. Then I put the paper aside. I didn’t reopen it to read “short hair you can wear,” “How to love a crazy job,” or even “America’s best dos & don’ts!” Every time I opened the magazine, it seemed to flip open to those “getting a healthy body for life” pages, and I just wasn’t ready to read them. Who is in December? Who wants to read about what not to eat, and how to portion your meals in the middle of the holidays?

But why am I not reading it now? The truth is, I don’t need to read “Exactly what to eat to lose weight.” I know exactly what to eat to lose weight. I know exactly what to do to lose weight. I have done it successfully before.

And I have gained it all back, successfully before.

What I don’t know, is how to make myself dedicated to a healthy eating lifestyle. Because believe me, I know it’s not a diet. I just don’t know how to say “no” to myself.

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By kilax, January 2, 2008 5:33 am

Who am I kidding, putting books like 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and the Eyewitness Travel Guide Austria on my holiday wish list?

Apparently, I am kidding my in-laws, who were nice enough to get me a few of the travel books off of my list. So I can devour them and plan and dream about traveling and seeing the world…

But really, I am kidding myself. Moneywise, student loans are kicking my butt. I don’t have a plethora of “paid holidays.” And after this last weekend, I am starting to hate air travel.

Steven and I are going to have to work out a very specific financial saving plan if we want to travel the way we do.

You know how some people are interested in things that totally disinterest you? Maybe sports, or knitting, or animals, or cars, or scrap-booking, or whatever… well, I think “travel” is my thing that I love to talk about, and may disinterest a lot of people. It is also my “I don’t understand why you don’t like this!” thing. I just love seeing new parts of the world and learning about other cultures. And it’s especially fun now that I have Steven as my travel companion!

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By kilax, January 1, 2008 8:31 pm

1. Spend less time with family.

2. Gain 20 more pounds, because the other 20 I gained and lost three times this year may not stick.

3. Quit walking so much during lunch break. Order delivery into office.

4. Spend more time talking about my cat to complete strangers/coworkers/anyone with ears.

5. Talk more about myself.

These are joke resolutions people!

Yesterday, Andrew (my brother-in-law) and I decided we should both make joke New Year’s Resolutions list to see whose would be funnier… probably his (which will be posted sometime soon). Steven and Andrew are just hard to beat in the humor department.

If I was going to make a real resolution, it would be to act more like a lady, because that is sort of an umbrella for a lot of things I would like to improve on – swearing less, taking better care of myself, not talking about other people, being nicer, etc.

But making a real resolution would be too much work. We’ll just see what happens!