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By kilax, January 19, 2008 10:24 am

Does everyone have a list of stupid things they believed when they were a young child?

I was thinking about that while I got my cat fresh water this morning. Because when I was younger, and our cats came into our house after being outside in the winter cold, I always gave them fresh warm water. My logic then was, “They must be so cold! They will like drinking this warm water, because it will warm them up!”

Duh.

Do I like to drink warm water when I am cold? No. Well, not unless it is hot coco or cider. So I doubt the cats liked warm water. They probably just waited for it to cool down, then drank it.

What’s on your “stupid” list? I bet mine could go on and on…

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By kilax, January 18, 2008 5:50 am

What is the most awful thing you have ever eaten (whether it be food or non-food, intentional or not intentional, completely eaten or just tasted)?

A few years ago, Steven and I decided we wanted to experience “new” vegetables. We thought, “Brussels sprouts always get a bad rep! We’ll try those!”

So we went and bought them. We took them home. We washed them. We cooked them. We sat down to eat them with our meal.

I bit into one… and it had a white worm in it. I don’t think I have ever gagged so much in my life.

Then we realized there were LOTS of white worms. How do you NOT notice white worms when you are cooking something?!

Yuck! We have never eaten them again!

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By kilax, January 17, 2008 5:30 am

Yesterday a coworker of mine asked me if I still say “I love you” to Steven when I get off the phone with him.

Of course!

But I have already caught a few times when I am in a hurry and just say, “Gotta go! Bye!”

There’s something nice about being told “I love you,” when you get off the phone with someone. Doesn’t it feel like a more complete end to a call? I say it to Steven, my parents, my grandparents, sometimes my siblings and friends…

I just don’t want to get into the habit of dismissing it. Especially with Steven. I don’t want to become one of those couples that is so casual with each other that they don’t even try anymore. I think you know what I mean…

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By kilax, January 16, 2008 5:31 am

This is a real email string between me and Steven last Tuesday, posted without his permission. It was after I told him I thought I would be late getting home from work:

Steven wrote: Why don’t you ever try to catch the 5:20…whatever earlier train. The one that you would have to leave the office right at 5?

Kim wrote: Because I don’t want to get accused of leaving on time.

Steven wrote: Ha ha. But it is OK if you do it SOMETIMES.

What is sad is that I actually do feel guilty if I leave the office at 5:00. Even if I have worked a 9-hour day, and had lunch at my desk. And only gone to the bathroom three times. And not left the building.

Back in October, my boss told us we should all put in 48-hour work weeks. We were swamped with work (which is good) and short on staff, so it made sense.

Now, we have hired four more people, but are even more swamped. I like what I do, and don’t feel like I’m being forced to stay here, but I am someone who likes to FINISH things and leave work feeling accomplished.

It’s hard to do that, and still save yourself enough time to eat dinner and talk to your husband and cat when you get home. And maybe exercise, or write a blog post. Or even relax!

But I am going to see if I can rebel a bit… because on those days I do get home around 7:30, I feel like I have ALL THE TIME in the world before I go to bed at 10:00.

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By kilax, January 15, 2008 8:18 am

There is a quote from Susan Sarandon’s character, Beverly Clark, in Shall We Dance? that I think of often. She is talking about why she thinks people get married:

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet … I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things … all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”

I think this quote applies not only to marriage, but to any long-lasting relationship. But of course, my point in this post is to tell you how this quote has brought new meaning to me since getting married.

When I first saw this movie in 2005, I interpreted this quote negatively – as this witness role being a burden. I took it as meaning, “no one life is unique, so everyone needs a partner to make it feel that it is.” My interpretation supported a personal belief of mine – that the reason people are in relationships is to feel special (and, well, loved!).

Now, I feel differently. After getting married, I had some sort of mind shift. My independent mind suddenly realized I had another person to rely on, another person to care for, another person’s life to take as seriously as my own.

I wish I could explain it better.

Now, I interpret the witness role completely differently. It’s not that of an indifferent witness, but that of a caring, loving, involved (although “involved” goes against the meaning of the word) witness.

For me, marriage has been like living two lives. My own, and that of my husband. His concerns are mine, his anxieties are mine, his cares are mine. Of course, they were before marriage, but never this deeply.

Maybe this is what really connecting with another person is?

Anyway, I think I am realizing that this type of relationship has helped me “see the bigger picture.” It’s helped me, “not sweat the small things.” It’s helped me be less selfish, by understanding someone else’s needs and desires.

I think this type of relationship is capable on many levels – between family, friends and spouses – this is just the first time I have experienced it.

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By kilax, January 14, 2008 5:50 am

Hanging my 5K runner’s bibs tags on my closet wall was supposed to make me feel proud and motivate me…

… so why haven’t I run one since April 19th?

Of course, as soon as I started working, I stopped running. I wake up at 5:15 am each weekday, and REFUSE to wake up earlier than that to run! And when I get home around 7:30 pm or later, and still have to eat dinner, I don’t feel like running on a full stomach or getting my heart rate back up right before I go to bed.

But lately, with everyone talking about losing weight and staring to exercise again, I am starting to feel motivated. More importantly than that, I am missing how much I enjoy running and how good it makes me feel.

I want to go for it again. I am just afraid of not sticking with it. Again. I’m afraid of failure.

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By kilax, January 13, 2008 9:48 am

Does anyone else go through “food phases”?

For months, I will be obsessed with eating one food. I will crave it almost every day. I will still try to eat a balanced diet, but at the end of the day, I feel like I have to get some of that one food.

I hated peanut butter for the first half of 2007. It made me sick to even see it. But then I started wanting it every day – on crackers, on bread, on a spoon, in a cookie, in a Reese’s… now when we are at the grocery store, and I pick up some more PB, Steven asks me, “Are we really out of peanut butter? Again?!”

The same thing has happened to me with Nature Valley granola bars, the Thai dish “Pad Siew,” burritos, crackers… I am starting to wonder if this is a normal thing, or if I need to try to eat a more varied diet all the time so that I don’t get so focused and obsessed with one food!

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By kilax, January 12, 2008 5:19 pm

In the Seinfeld episode “The Ex-Girlfriend,” George breaks up with his girlfriend, then later asks Jerry if he will go to the girlfriend’s house to pick up some books he left there. Jerry doesn’t understand why George even wants the books back. And when he asks George, his response is, “because they’re books!”

Jerry replies, “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

That quote really made me think… because I am the same way! We have a wall of books in our house. I would hate to think of getting rid of them! And I’ll admit, I do like they way they look.

But unless it is a reference book, how many times will you really use it after you read it once? A lot of our books are reference, but I also have a collection of “once-read” novels. I have a collection of “never-read” novels too!

Also, books become dated fast. Not only the content inside, but their cover and jacket start to look dated over the years as well.

But having this realization probably won’t stop me from buying more books. Maybe I will just try to make a goal of borrowing novels from the library, and only buying reference and non-fiction books.

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By kilax, January 11, 2008 5:37 am

What is something you really enjoy doing that is a chore or a bore for many people?

I love to unpack my luggage after a trip. I get all excited about it on the way home. I like putting things were they belong – dirty clothes in the hamper, clean clothes in the closet, my laptop onto my desk, books back on the shelf, bathroom supplies back into the bathroom… you get the idea.

It just makes me feel good knowing everything is in its place.

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By kilax, January 10, 2008 5:43 am

How do you deal with the declining health of a loved one?

It’s so easy to start to shut someone out as their health declines. At first, you are trying not to be bothersome to them, so you leave them alone, or only make small talk when you visit.

This becomes habitual though, until you have a completely different version of yourself that you present to the ill person. You are cautious, you are careful, you are worried… and eventually you are acting distant towards the person without even realizing it. You start to seclude them, which isn’t good for anyone, ill or not.

Of course, I am speaking of a specific circumstance, but perhaps you can relate.

My grandfather has Lewy Body Dementia. Honestly, I am not sure how long he has had it, but I am old enough to have witnessed the decline in his health.

God, it scares me.

He has had an up and down battle. He was well, then he got shingles. He got better, then he broke his hip. He had to spend months in a nursing home, because my grandma could not take care of him on her own. He’s finally home again.

But the disease is not physical! It affects his alertness, his memory, his speech. It’s so frightening to see this happen to someone I love so much.

There have been times when I visited him and he thought he saw things that weren’t there, or said things that didn’t make any sense. Then there are times (like last weekend in Iowa) when he is the sharp and clever grandpa I remember. I can say “Grandpa, remember when…?” And he responds, “Yes, I do!”

It just feels so tense to me when we (my family) are all around him. Some of us don’t know how to act. Some of us are too nervous to say anything. Some of us are completely at ease.

I try to act myself, be normal, and tell my “funny” stories (my grandparents humor me), but it is so easy to avoid topics that you think might be upsetting or confusing. And then you are starting to shut someone out.

I feel so bad for not being able to spend more time with my grandparents.